Son Issue.. need advice

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  • 2 Post By Like.Australia
  • 3 Post By sarah42
  • 1 Post By Taphycurl
  • 1 Post By generosityt

Hi all.. I need some guidance on something that happened today with my older son (He's 6 and in 1st grade)

I got the following email from his teacher today and it makes it hit home so much more due to the tragedy today....

Hi
I wanted to let you know about something that happened at school today. Liam and a couple other boys were not getting along on the playground and Liam said something about killing one of the other boys. I spoke with him about it and then later one of the other boys said it back to him. I had all 3 boys speak with our behavior specialist. I also talked with them about what an awful thing that is to say and trying to use other words to solve our problems. Liam was very upset afterwards. Usually these boys are friends but today there were definitely some feelings hurt. Hopefully Monday will be back to normal!


needless to say I was shocked by this email and brought it up with my son who proceeded to cry uncontrollably and say how sorry he was.. I told him that Daddy and I were sad in this behavior and that how it is not acceptable at all in the house no matter what!



I also apologized to him because I am guilty of watching marathons on TV that are probably not appropriate for kids (which sometimes he comes out of his room and sees me watching (Criminal Minds, L/O SVU) anyway, needless to say I won't be doing that anymore. My hubby said that it probably the main reason for the issue but I also brought up the point that he too plays games with him that aren't for his age (he won't be doing that either)



I explained that I would be taking away major privledgesif it happens again!!!!!




Any other suggestions are more than welcome!!!
Liam: 6 years old
Colin: 3 years old
Location: Williamsburg, Virginia
Member Since: August 2000
I don't have a child that age yet, but I think it's important that he learn other ways to express that he's angry or upset. If one of the other boys made him angry, it's perfectly acceptable to say so and to say why. "you took my favorite toy and that makes me angry" or whatever it was.. Distinguishing between communicating feelings and making violent threats would be important to me if I were in your shoes.
deedles and poemaXX like this.
We had a similar incident a few months ago with my four-year-old at preschool. The preschool teacher said he got into an argument with one of his friends on the playground and said he was going to shoot him in the head. We had a serious talk with him and he's never said anything like that since. I think Liam will be the same way--he heard it from at least three sources (teacher, behavior specialist, parents) that those words are not okay and seemed very upset and remorseful.

I think it's important to keep this in perspective, too. He is not a violent or troubled kid, and it's been a one-time thing and probably won't happen again. I don't think little kids really grasp the idea of death and don't fully know what they're saying when they make those statements. Now he knows that that's very serious and knows it's not acceptable.
deedles, wild~hair and Amneris like this.
Yes, do try to keep it in perspective. Kids don't always fully understand what they’re saying, you know? I said some really stupid and hurtful things as a child, but I just didn't know any better.

It sounds like you and your school have the situation well in hand.
Deedles, if it makes you feel better...Chas has said that as well. We have had the same discussions. I think at this age...most kids don't understand the concept of death fully.

We try to not watch t.v. shows or allow games in our house that are violent...but kids see it other places.

I think you handled it beautifully. I wouldn't worry about it. I think in this day as mom's we worry that our kid's might have issues if they say things like that....especially with everything that happens in today's world. If I think back to our childhood...we played cops and robbers and outlaws and sheriff... where we were shooting each other. Often arguing because the other person should be dead...because I shot them. I doubt my parents thought twice about it.
I raised three kids as a single, divorced mother. My kids are in their early 20's now and are well-adjusted, independent, responsible people. So, I did something right.

You shouldn't beat yourself up wondering where you went wrong. You did nothing wrong, nor did your husband. You are a wonderful parent who cares about her son. With all the things happening, like the Sandy Hook shootings, it's hard for children to know how to process how they feel. It's shocking and frightening for a child to realize that the world isn't a safe place for them. That's a lot to process for a child.

What I learned, from my kids, was that whenever they would act out, do, or say something inappropriate, it was because something was bothering them. When I sat down and talked to them, I mean really listened to them, and help them deal with the feelings and insecurities they were unable to process, both of us understood where the behavior came from.

To this day, when something is bothering my kids, they want to call and talk to me about it, because they know, mom, will help them deal with it. Hope that helps.
generosityt likes this.
I totally agree with those who said that he probably didn't know what he was saying. He may have heard it from TV (and it's ok if he walked on you in the room, you are entitled to some grown up TV, I don't think you did anything wrong), and for him it's a word that was used when the person was angry to let anger out and he copied that. To him it's just a word to express anger, he doesn't know how bad it is. I'm really glad the teacher just informed you about itand didn't seem like making a big deal out of it because I don't think it is. Just talk and talk and talk to your son tell him that some words are ok some are not. Give him a list of words that he can use to express his anger and talk to him about killing and death and how it doesn't teach the other person a lesson or make him stop what he is doing (which is probably all he wanted from using that word) but it has serious impact.
You may be surprised at the things that will coming out of his mouth that he doesn't know what they are (kids are like sponges there are tons of things stored in his brain already). My daughter (5 years old) says all kind of things, so far funny things, but when we ask her what does that mean, she gets confused, cause she realizes she doesn't really know what that means.
Taphycurl likes this.
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