Family assumptions

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  • 1 Post By sarah42
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  • 1 Post By Morgan_Adcock

I'm getting really fed up with my family, especially my mom. My SIL and brother just had a baby and they had her come with them to find out the gender, for the 3D sonogram and she was in the delivery room. Personally my husband and I just want it to be us because we feel like these are moments for OUR family, not extended family. My mom threw a fit when she realized I wasn't going to have her at the appt where we find out the gender. I've told her she's not going to be in the delivery room and she informed me that yes she would. I don't feel like just because they wanted her there I have to have her there. I don't think anyone should assume they will be a part of those moments for other people. Have any of you run into this? How'd you handle it? Oh and she also assumed I want her to stay with me after the baby is born but I don't. Both DH and I will be able to take off during that time. She keeps pressuring me to put a futon in the nursery "just in case someone needs to stay". I find it ridiculous she keeps pushing and pushing. Any words of advice? I'm not backing down or changing my mind!
My advice is to provide minimal information, and do so after the fact, if possible. Be vague. Example: don't tell her beforehand when the ultrasound is scheduled, so she can't ask to go. You can tell people the gender afterwards, if you want to.

I realize that might not be possible anymore (for the ultrasound), but make that your policy for other baby things. Example: "What name do you have picked out?" "We don't know yet; DH and I are still thinking about it and haven't decided on anything."

Don't tell her when you're going to the hospital. Then she can't try to show up and be present in the delivery room. The only person I told last time was my sister who was watching our older son, and I'll do the same this time. DH can call family members after the baby is born. Also, nurses can be very good gatekeepers. Tell your nurse that you want to rest and not have any visitors for a while, if that's what you want.

As for staying with you after the baby comes, again, I'd advise you to be vague and don't commit to anything. "DH is taking some time off work, so I don't think we'll need anyone to stay here at the house, but I'll let you know if we start feeling too overwhelmed."

Side note: I have never understood why mothers think it's helpful for them to stay and help take care of a new baby. The baby's mom is the only one who can breastfeed, and (for me personally) it's not like I'm going to be able to chill out and take a nap when I have visitors and a crying baby in the house.

I can appreciate having help with housework, laundry, cooking, etc, but it sounds like that's not what your mom has in mind if she wants to sleep in the nursery.

Congratulations again on your pregnancy! When is your due date?
curlyprincess1 likes this.
Your mother's behavior does seem rather pushy. But be careful not to burn any bridges w/ her. You may really need her help one day. You don't know what kind of delivery you will have and how much you'll be able to/want to do afterward...or following subsequent deliveries when you already have a toddler or two at home.

There is a lot online on this issue - etiquette for grandmothers wanting to be in the delivery room when the mother doesn't want it. I hope you will google it and get plenty of good strategies for handling this.

But sheesh, I can't imagine informing my daughter or anyone else that oh yes, I ~will~ be in the delivery room. LOL
Morgan_Adcock likes this.
3b (with 3c tendencies) on modified CG

Not really much advice here, except to just stick to your guns! You're fully within your rights as a woman and a mother to decide how you want these important moments to play out.

This is your family and you shouldn't let anyone push you into anything. These moments are so special, you should be able to experience them how you'd like
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Hey Amanda - congrats on your pregnancy!

I totally, totally understand not wanting your mother in the delivery room with you. Heck I didn't even want my husband there because I knew he would get on my nerves. Seriously, I'm not kidding.

Would you consider letting her come to the ultrasound? Maybe if you give her that she'll back off about the delivery. If she doesn't, you'll have to stick to your guns and don't let her pressure you. She may be disappointed, but I'd find it hard to believe she wouldn't understand you're wanting it to just you and DH for the actual birth. I don't even think you need to give any kind of explanation for that decision.

As for her staying with you, you might actually want her there. I had my MIL for a week, and I really was not happy about it, but in the end I was glad for the help. I had a C-section so I really was supposed to take it easy. She cooked, did laundry, changed diapers and helped me with everything besides feeding.

You might really want to consider putting in the futon, even if you really don't think you'll use it, you never know - and it will make her happy and shut her up .

Be firm, but tactful.
If you got nothing to bring to the table - don't even bother sitting down.
I'm no where near having a child of my own (I just started grad school) but I always thought it was weird for me not to want my mom in the delivery room if I ever have a baby. I'm glad to know I'm not alone in this! I'm a very private person, so the last thing I want is for my mom to see me push a baby out! Or even breast feed, for that matter. I can't give any advice obviously but I'm just relieved to see it's not just me who feels this way
Medium texture, normal porosity, normal elasticity
I don't feel like giving in on any of these points because I think she (and everyone else) should respect my boundaries. I can already see my mom overstepping things with my SIL but she's too nice to say anything. She saw my nephew Tuesday and told me today she just had to go over this past weekend since she hadn't seen him since Tuesday. Calling him her baby boy etc. I don't want her or my MIL living up my butt, they are both the type if you don't set boundaries and stick to them they'll just keep taking more and more.
I think ultimately the parents happiness is more important than the grandparents. I fully believe what Dr Phil says that grandparents spending time with their grandkids is a privilege not a right.
My husband and I are really private people. We didn't have anyone with us at appointments...and we had a scheduled c-section and told family that when we called...they could come. We wanted that first hour or two afterwards to ourself. FYI, we didn't tell anyone our scheduled c-section day till about 4 days before. Both sets of parents live out of town.

I would stick to your guns. If you give in one thing...she is going to think she can bulldoze her way with others. I agree with Sarah42 and Spiderlashes... Just be vague. There is no reason for her to know what is going on with each appointment but don't burn any bridges. You might want her help a little after birth...not to move into the nursery but to help with errands or just watch baby for 2 hours while you both sleep.

Be vague...very vague. LOL. I agree...nurses are your heroes. They can keep anyone out of a room that is not wanted for delivery etc.
Just practice saying "NO". You're going to be a mom. Time to learn to stick up for yourself and your kid(s). Your parents may complain at first, but they'll get used to it. And they'll actually respect you more in the long run.
Morgan_Adcock likes this.
And, honestly....the GALL of your mother just slays me. You are a person who deserves respect, and only YOU get to decide who gets to see your crotch while you're giving birth. Not even your mother gets a say over your body. I'm really pissed off for you. I would honestly have a hard time not telling her to f*ck off.
I totally agree with RCW... By no means I would allow anybody to see my crotch other than the doctor/nurses... even my hubby would be allowed to stay at the delivery room but not actually see the baby coming out...lol😝.
In the past not even husbands were allowed to attend the delivery, what's the thing now with mothers wanting to be there seeing you pushing? I know people who actually have had friends (male and female) videotaping the delivery and then watching it at home... I think delivering a baby is losing its original meaning and becoming model like a reality show nowadays.
I actually had the same experience with my mom, except she was a bit more passive aggressive about it. This was really a long running situation, control-freakish behavior, so it really blew-up and ended up with me depressed, crying all the time, and stressed out 9 months pregnant. My husband told me if this was the way it was going to be, she wasn't welcome in our home.

Finally we really had it out, I told her, 'mom, I love you and I want you to a part of this baby's life, but this is not about you. This is a decision that is between [my husband] and me and this is about our family, not you.' I also had to tell her that I was tired of playing games with her and having her manipulate me. I just said you don't get to affect my happiness anymore.

Here's my two-cents. Make the decision you need to make. Let her know you love her and want her in your life and leave it at that. When your little one arrives, she will be the one who has to make the decision to be mad or to be present in your lives. She can't have both.
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One other option is to have her in the room while you're waiting, but not actually there during delivery. That was what was supposed to happen with me, but I ended up having a c-section anyway, so nobody was allowed to be there but my husband. My mom, dad, and MIL came to hang out while I was contracting. Then again, we didn't expect to wait as long as we did.

Right after having the baby, it was helpful to have someone run to the grocery store for me, cook, do laundry, or even watch her while I took a shower or napped. The little things really helped. My mom is local, so it wasn't an overnight stay, just a few hours here and there.

Good luck - I would definitely stand your ground as gently, but firmly as possible. And congratulations!
curlyprincess1 likes this.

Is there a particular reason she cannot come to the ultrasound (not that it matters because you've already said no, just wondering)? Does your mom have boundary issues outside of your pregnancy?

I would stick to my guns on the delivery room thing. I had a natural delivery the second time around and the less people in there, the better. The only person I wanted to see was my midwife.
3c/4a
Tell her STFU and mind her own business or she won't be a part of your new family in any way. Its your baby, not hers, and bringing a new life into the world is a private matter. Its like using the bathroom and going number 2 after you've been constipated for 9 months. You don't want any more people than necessary to be involved.
curlyprincess1 likes this.
I've got to say that as someone who was once a L&D nurse, your mother sounds like just the person I wouldn't want in the delivery room with a patient of mine. It sounds like she doesn't have a clue that childbirth is not a recreational activity, and can suddenly become hazardous, and she doesn't respect limits. Stick to your guns!
curlyprincess1 likes this.
Peace,
Morgan

Baby Fine 3B, low porosity, normal density and elasticity
CGing since July 2008
Amanda,
How are you doing? Is your mom still being so pushy now that your due is near?
Life shrinks or expands according to one's courage. Anais Nin

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