Marital dispute - how much supervision for toddlers?

LoloDSM · 06-21-2009, 08:35 PM

DH and I disagree on how much supervision our two-year-old needs. I don't leave her unsupervised except when the baby gate is up and the upstairs door is latched (so she can't go upstairs). I also go up/down the slide with her on the playground when she's on the "big kid" equipment.

DH thinks I hover too much. We were at a BBQ tonight, and DD was "playing" on a stair case. She would climb up the stairs and would sit/slide down. DH thought being in the same room was enough supervision. I would have been close enough to grab/catch her if she fell.

Am I being hypervigilant or is he too lax?

Amneris · 06-21-2009, 08:57 PM

Well, J is two next month and you do a lot more supervision than we do. We don't use a baby gate and haven't since he figured out the stairs around a year - he's free to go up and down as he chooses. He also slides down and climbs up the big kid slide by himself - I definitely don't go down with him. At the playground, I do stay fairly close just in case he falls, but I allow him to use the equipment by himself. At other peoples' houses, I stay closer just because he's a little destroyer and I don't want him wrecking their stuff, but if that's not an issue then I definitely think being in the same room is fine or even if he is in another room and I know there are no safety hazards, that's fine too. I have a very independent-minded little explorer and I doubt he would LET me go down a slide with him or block him from the stairs - I'd get a big "NO! My, my, my!"

mad scientist · 06-21-2009, 09:00 PM

I'm more on the lax side, I think. I let my 2 year old (even my one year old) go up the playground equipment by him/herself. I'll stand in front of any openings that they might fall out of but that's about it.

So I guess I'm with your husband - with a 2 year old, I want to be able to see them at all times (not so much for his safety, but for the well-being of my house) but I don't stay within arms reach, even on stairs or outside.

But it depends on the child. Some kids really are prone to accidents, so I can understand keeping close to them.

deezee02 · 06-21-2009, 09:38 PM

S is 2.5 and we definitally give him a lot of space, BUT I just do not have the energy to be there all the time, he is ALWAYS on the go and is not the kind of kid who is happy just sitting around. He likes going from room to room and running through the house. I know what he is doing at all time, but I do not hove to be by his side 100%.

On the playground he has free roam, does it make me nervious sometimes...yup, but I know I have to give him the freedom to roam and explore other things. Would I drop him off at the playground and leave..no, BUT I sit on the bench and watch him (mind you it is the neighborhood playground so it is typically only us and maybe one other family and is a smaller playground)

When we are at other people houses I do have to stay on him, as he is at the stage where he is into everything. My house is totally S proof, not everyones is. We do keep our basement door shut, just b/ he likes to run through the house and I worry that he will fun right down the steps, but when we go down there I will run upstairs at times to get stuff done while he is playing in his playroom. He can get up and down the stairs fine by himself.

Has he fallen and scrapped his knees and bumped his head...yes, but that is part of growing up IMHO.

WileE-Dead · 06-22-2009, 05:53 AM

Lolo, I'm w/ you, but the my little one has no fear! Going down the stairs head first, diving on the couch, climbing on everything, pushing the limits out in the yard big time...this is why I can only handle one

Sometimes I don't know how the kid survives when hubby is on watch...

LoloDSM · 06-22-2009, 06:40 AM

Thanks, Wile. I was starting to feel like the Shirley McClain character in Terms of Endearment.

*sigh* Okay, I'll try to give her more space. She is very independent and not as cautious as I'd like. The other day, she put a purse on her arm and said "bye, bye." The next thing I know, I hear the back door opening.

God knows how far she would have gotten if I hadn't chased her down.

rainshower · 06-22-2009, 06:44 AM

with our first, i was uber cautious and protective of our son. our friends picked on me because of it. but i thought all new parents (mothers in particular) were like that. i'd get the pins and needles at the thought of him running, tripping, and bumping his head on something.

i'd see mothers at the park letting their toddlers, younger than 2, climb up moving ladders to slide down on their own, with no adults close enough to rescue them in the event that they tripped or got hung-up on something. our son and daughter are both tall for their ages. when our son was 2, i "hovered" as he climbed up the ladders and play equipment and slid down. i didn't let him stand on swings or dangle from things like i saw other people letting their much younger toddlers doing.

especially with our son, my husband accused me of being over-protective. however, i think a child can have a perfectly happy and normal childhood while being protected from avoidable busted lips, goose eggs, head stitches, and scabby cuts and scrapes. i think that injuries are inevitable in childhood, but that doesn't mean i should just leave caution to the wind and let whatever happen, happen.

i will admit, that by the time our daughter came around, i was less obsessive over many of the things that consumed me with our first baby. again, i think this is normal with parents as families expand. we still baby proofed our home for her, but i recognize that she had more liberty than our son had as far as climbing the stairs, climbing and standing in her high chair, etc.

they are 6 and 10 today and are perfectly active children; they've experienced no accident that peroxide or a spongebob bandaid couldn't fix.

WileE-Dead · 06-22-2009, 06:45 AM

Yeah, mine is verrrrry independent, as well. Always wanting to do it on their own. I know it will pay off in the future, but as I've told the teacher, I hope I live long enough! lol

I tell mine we need to go home after school, but nope, it's bye Mommy...the little one heads off to the playground...could care less if I'm around..lol

Also, is always circumventing the door knob cover thingies..one day the front door was wide open & the dog had gotten out...both were headed down the driveway...this kid is fast!

Another escape is using the doggie door to go outside in the backyard....lol

PixieCurl · 06-22-2009, 06:54 AM

Sol is 21 months and it seems like I supervise/hover more than some of the people in this thread.

Around the house, he has free rein for the most part. We live in a raised ranch, and the main living level is almost completely Sol-proofed. We do have a gate at the top of the stairs because he has NO FEAR and will just walk off the top step instead of attempting to go down safely. He can go up just fine, and I've tried to teach him to go down on his tush or backwards/feet-first, and he just doesn't get it. So we still use the gate. Otherwise we let him roam as long as we know generally where he is. But, he can climb up on beds or up on the dining room table and when he does that, we stay nearby in case he falls.

At other people's houses, we watch more closely depending on the level of baby-proofing and the propensity for him to destroy their stuff.

At playgrounds, I hesitate letting him climb and slide by himself. I usually do go up with him, or sometimes I'll stand by open edges like mad scientist said, but I get really nervous if I'm more than arms-reach away. Again, the kid has no fear and no concept that he can't just walk off an open edge.

RedCatWaves · 06-22-2009, 08:26 AM

I think my babygates were mostly down by age 2, as I recall. I kept the gate at the top of the stairs til age 3, just in case they sleepwalked or fell during the night, but for the most part, they all learned to climb up and down stairs safely by age 2.

Yeah, I think climbing and going down the slide with a 2 year old is probably hovering a bit. You'll get over it by the next child.

deezee02 · 06-22-2009, 08:27 AM

I wanted to add that I think there is a HUGE difference between babies who are 2 and 2.5 Last summer, when Steven was almost 2 and even in the fall when he was 2 we hovered a TON more. He was just that much more unstable when walking and climbing up things. In the past 6 months to a year though he has outgrown the toddling part and really does run and walk ok.

Amneris · 06-22-2009, 08:35 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by deezee02

I wanted to add that I think there is a HUGE difference between babies who are 2 and 2.5 Last summer, when Steven was almost 2 and even in the fall when he was 2 we hovered a TON more. He was just that much more unstable when walking and climbing up things. In the past 6 months to a year though he has outgrown the toddling part and really does run and walk ok.

I think it depends how physically co-ordinated and agile your child is. Mine is strong in that area, so he's been stable at walking, climbing etc. since not too long after his first birthday, but I know other kids his age who still aren't (but maybe are ahead of him in other areas.) Because he so enjoys using his physical talents, I feel I would be stifling him to stand in the way of that because it's really amazing to watch that part of him develop. But I know other kids who were willing to sit and have books read to them at a very young age, while J HATED it. I had to get on him about sitting and listening and we'd fight and battle it out and only very recently is he liking books and sitting down to read. So it all depends.

I think that the best way to learn about danger is to experience it - obviously in a controlled environment such as a park, but they won't learn how to go down stairs safely if they never have the opportunity (imo.) J fell down the stairs once or twice before he figured out how to go down safely.

eta: I think there is a fair bit of age difference between the kids being discussed, though. If I recall, mad scientist and deezee's kids must be closer to 3 than 2 if J is almost 2 because I remember you guys having babies before I was pregnant... unless I'm wrong about that. And I'm thinking Lolo's daughter is closer to 3 as well. How old is yours, Wile? For some reason I thought he was 5 or 6 or something like that but obviously not....

Trenell · 06-22-2009, 09:33 AM

I hover. Not so much in our house, but the playground, forget about it. Hubby takes him most of the time. I am a friggin wreck. hahah. He has gotten quite a few scraps from playing at pre-school. Nothing major, kid stuff. But had I been there, he wouldn't have gotten them and probably not had as nearly as much fun.

I am such a baby buzz kill.

PixieCurl · 06-22-2009, 10:04 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Amneris

I think that the best way to learn about danger is to experience it - obviously in a controlled environment such as a park, but they won't learn how to go down stairs safely if they never have the opportunity (imo.) J fell down the stairs once or twice before he figured out how to go down safely.

I really want to teach Sol how to do stairs, but this approach would be too dangerous in our house. Our stairs are steep and long and he could seriously hurt himself if he fell down them. Out back, we have 1-2 wooden steps off our patio onto the grass, so those we let him try on his own (and sometimes fall). But he just doesn't seem to have any sense of danger. He'd literally walk right off if I didn't grab him and help him.

sarah42 · 06-22-2009, 10:15 AM

We have a small swingset in our backyard that Connor can use by himself, although his favorite thing is to have a grown-up push him on a swing. We don't go to the park or playground very much, but if so, I try to watch him pretty closely.

At home, we do have a gate on the stairs, but that's mostly for the baby and to keep Connor from going down to the basement and trying to play with power tools. Before and soon after Oliver was born (so C would have been ~1.5), I tried to get C used to going up and down the stairs because if I was carrying the baby, I wanted him to be able to go by himself. Up was easier, but then he learned how to go down the stairs too.

I do watch him very closely at other people's houses or out in public, but that's mostly because I don't want him getting into and/or destroying other people's property.

rainshower · 06-22-2009, 11:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PixieCurl

I really want to teach Sol how to do stairs, but this approach would be too dangerous in our house.

i agree. in our old home, when our son was a young toddler and we'd taught him how to hold on to the hand rails when walking up and down the stairs, i was a step in front of him when we got downstairs. he was holding onto the rail and thought he was on the bottom step about to step onto the floor with me. he tripped, fell on his face, and busted his lip against his tooth, which was loosened. blood was everywhere. i was screaming and freaking, as was our son. my husband, thankfully, remained calm and cleaned him up. i imagine that we would have had more of those incidents if we'd just let him go up and down with little supervision.

steps, fire, hot water, sockets, sharp objects, bothering pets, etc., to me, are things that children (whether the first born, second, or fourth) should be protected from and not left to learn the dangers of on their own. the risk of a regrettable injury, to me, isn't worth gambling that they'd learn a lesson about it on their own, let alone learn a lesson the first time.

inheritedcurls · 06-22-2009, 12:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PixieCurl

I really want to teach Sol how to do stairs, but this approach would be too dangerous in our house. Our stairs are steep and long and he could seriously hurt himself if he fell down them. Out back, we have 1-2 wooden steps off our patio onto the grass, so those we let him try on his own (and sometimes fall). But he just doesn't seem to have any sense of danger. He'd literally walk right off if I didn't grab him and help him.

Pixie, our stairs are like this as well. We taught Chas to crawl up them or come down them either on his bobo or on his stomach. It's just recently I let him actually walk up or down them using the handrail. Most of the time we are with him when he goes up or down them them but sometimes we're not. My stomach still gives a lurch when I see him coming down them without me...but I try to not hover.

RedCatWaves · 06-22-2009, 02:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rainshower

steps, fire, hot water, sockets, sharp objects, bothering pets, etc., to me, are things that children (whether the first born, second, or fourth) should be protected from and not left to learn the dangers of on their own. the risk of a regrettable injury, to me, isn't worth gambling that they'd learn a lesson about it on their own, let alone learn a lesson the first time.

There's a lot of room between hovering and just letting small children learn by getting hurt. The idea is to "teach" them to use stairs in a safe manner. Yes, hover at first, but allow them to do it themselves a step ahead (or behind) an adult. They can learn pretty quickly how to use stairs and railings. I wouldn't allow a toddler to use stairs alone unless I knew s/he knew how.

Amneris · 06-22-2009, 04:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RedCatWaves

Quote:

Originally Posted by rainshower

steps, fire, hot water, sockets, sharp objects, bothering pets, etc., to me, are things that children (whether the first born, second, or fourth) should be protected from and not left to learn the dangers of on their own. the risk of a regrettable injury, to me, isn't worth gambling that they'd learn a lesson about it on their own, let alone learn a lesson the first time.

There's a lot of room between hovering and just letting small children learn by getting hurt. The idea is to "teach" them to use stairs in a safe manner. Yes, hover at first, but allow them to do it themselves a step ahead (or behind) an adult. They can learn pretty quickly how to use stairs and railings. I wouldn't allow a toddler to use stairs alone unless I knew s/he knew how.

Yeah, exactly. We have long, steep, hardwood stairs too and I went up and down with him a few times till he got it and then a step behind a few more times until I knew he figured it out - then I left him to it. He loves to copy, so he learned that way.

CGNYC · 06-22-2009, 06:02 PM

Mine is 3.5 and I still hover a good bit...not anywhere NEAR as much as my husband but I stay close by if we're away from home. He is, I think, somewhat suffocating. I weigh the outcome - ok, sure, she might fall but she's six inches off the ground over grass so she'll probably be fine. To him, any fall at all is catastrophic and to be avoided.

To be fair, she had stitches in her face before she was two years old, she's already busted her lip on play equipment, and two days ago she took a headder off the bed while playing. She has no fear of strangers, animals, or sick kids sneezing and getting snot everywhere and really just no "danger" sensor at all. She doesn't tend to pay attention to where she's going so the kid falls. A lot. So it's not like his fear is unfounded. If we're near water or anyplace where she could get REALLY hurt, I do hover and I don't trust her judgment. I know a lot of people say that the child doesn't WANT to fall off the sofa or whatever so you should just trust them to know their limits but mine has demonstrated that she doesn't even consider limits at all.

*I* just want to be close enough to see if she's about to do something REALLY stupid so I can step in, my husband would like to put her in full pads and a helmet. I don't want to make her fearful or clingy and he would very much like for her to be both.