Do/did you know your family was complete?

Finances didn't play any part in our decision. I didn't want any children and my husband did so we compromised by having one. I didn't like being pregnant so I was sure during those 9 months that this was going to be the only child we would ever have. And even though I instantly fell in love with my girl and despite the fact that everyone says we will change our minds about having more, we have stuck to our decision to only have one child. Sterilization has already been completed so we are very sure about this.
I never wanted kids. Hubby wants lots of children (not sure what "lots" means - lol!). Clearly we've compromised.

My biggest worry is if something happened to him, can I emotionally be a good mom to more than two, and keep my own sanity. I would probably have to take a big role in taking care of my mentally ill MIL, and I don't have any family here, and most of my closest friends have left Austin.
hello.world.
Just a slightly different perspective....

I'm done, but not through my own choice. Medical issues are involved, so I have just the one daughter.

I myself have 9 siblings (no I am NOT saying everyone has to have tons of kids!), and we were dirt poor when I was growing up. But, I can't tell you how much my siblings meant to me then AND mean to me today. We didn't have tons of stuff, for sure, but we had a blast playing with and killing each other. I don't remember feeling like we didn't "have anything", but I do remember feeling sorry for other kids who didn't have any, or only had one, sibling. I thought *they* were the ones who had it rough.

Today, most of us are all grown up (I do have a little sister who is 2 years younger than my own daughter), and we really, really enjoy having each other. Most of my "best friends" are my sisters, and I'm equally close to my brothers. It's nice.

I guess what I'm trying to say is don't just make this decision based on the "things" you can give them. Things can't make children truly happy, but a loving family can. That's all they really *need* in order to be happy.
Just a slightly different perspective....

I'm done, but not through my own choice. Medical issues are involved, so I have just the one daughter.

I myself have 9 siblings (no I am NOT saying everyone has to have tons of kids!), and we were dirt poor when I was growing up. But, I can't tell you how much my siblings meant to me then AND mean to me today. We didn't have tons of stuff, for sure, but we had a blast playing with and killing each other. I don't remember feeling like we didn't "have anything", but I do remember feeling sorry for other kids who didn't have any, or only had one, sibling. I thought *they* were the ones who had it rough.

Today, most of us are all grown up (I do have a little sister who is 2 years younger than my own daughter), and we really, really enjoy having each other. Most of my "best friends" are my sisters, and I'm equally close to my brothers. It's nice.

I guess what I'm trying to say is don't just make this decision based on the "things" you can give them. Things can't make children truly happy, but a loving family can. That's all they really *need* in order to be happy.
Originally Posted by JElsea
Well said

Amneris, I have a question for you and I hope I phrase it correctly.

You were married in a Roman Catholic church, right? The Catholic weddings I've been to include vows to joyfully accept children that God gives them. How do you interpret this part of your wedding vow?

I ask because I have friends who had to go to three separate parishes to find a priest who would marry them and remove that line because they've decided to never have children (at age 30, they were both permanently sterilized).

Does what I'm asking make sense?
God doesn't give special kids to special parents. He takes ordinary, imperfect people, and gifts them with his greatest treasures. And therein, he creates special parents.

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Amneris, I have a question for you and I hope I phrase it correctly.

You were married in a Roman Catholic church, right? The Catholic weddings I've been to include vows to joyfully accept children that God gives them. How do you interpret this part of your wedding vow?

I ask because I have friends who had to go to three separate parishes to find a priest who would marry them and remove that line because they've decided to never have children (at age 30, they were both permanently sterilized).

Does what I'm asking make sense?
Originally Posted by PhDCow
wow...in my experience, most folks still end up doing what's best for them. I know this was for Amneris, tho I was married in the Catholic church & wanted to give my view...
Lolo...I will answer you soon...
Code:
I need to get some time to get my thoughts
 together to do so...
Thanks! I didn't mean to exclude anyone!
God doesn't give special kids to special parents. He takes ordinary, imperfect people, and gifts them with his greatest treasures. And therein, he creates special parents.

We thought we were done with 2 so we sold or gave away all of our baby gear and clothes. About a year after that, DH said if we wanted to have another baby now was the time. So we had our third. I would love to have one more so that Soren could have a sibling close in age like the other two are. But I don't think that will happen. All our families want us to have one more too, but they don't have to do any of the work.
I never knew I wanted kids until I got married. Then I thought 1 or 2, depending on how the first one went. It took a while. Like Amneris, I wanted Ben to have long enbough to be a baby, to nurse, etc. He was 2 1/2 before the desire to have a second even entered my mind.
I KNOW we are done at 2. That is all I can handle. I like that with 2 kids we fit into a regular sedan. We can go somewhere with a reasonable amount of stuff. We can travel. I think with more than two these things would be more difficult. Also, I was 36 when I had my youngest. I would not want to deprive her of any of her babyhood either, and by the time she is weaned and what I consider 'old enough' I will be almost 40. I am not up to going through all of that again. Maybe if I had started having kids younger I would feel differently.
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Amneris, I have a question for you and I hope I phrase it correctly.

You were married in a Roman Catholic church, right? The Catholic weddings I've been to include vows to joyfully accept children that God gives them. How do you interpret this part of your wedding vow?

I ask because I have friends who had to go to three separate parishes to find a priest who would marry them and remove that line because they've decided to never have children (at age 30, they were both permanently sterilized).

Does what I'm asking make sense?
Originally Posted by PhDCow
Yes, it makes sense.

I definitely am joyfully accepting what God sends me... at this point, He's sent one child. I think you can still plan your family - we have chosen to do so by NFP, but I know others choose different methods that work for them, and so be it. I also look at that statement as having to do with the opposite... if I could never have kids, or could only have 1, or 2, I would joyfully accept that, hard as it might be (and adopt or foster or otherwise invite children into my life.)

Yes, it is hard to find a priest to marry you when you are permanently sterilized or outright state that you don't want kids, because many priests see that as not being open to what God sends you. Most priests also will not be supportive of IVF. The Church sees marriage and children as going hand in hand - not that you have to have kids to have a real marriage, but that married couples remain open to the possibility and welcome any children that are born of the union.

I'm glad your friends found a priest in the end.
Get used to me. Black, confident, cocky; my name, not yours; my religion, not yours; my goals, my own; get used to me. -Muhammad Ali











To the 'how many kids do you want?' question I have always said I want 4, but ask me again after 2.

While I was pregnant for Bella, I still knew that I probably wasn't done. I really don't like being pregnant, but I couldn't stand the tought of not doing it again. And the baby time goes by so quickly.

But now Bailey is about to start school and Bella is just into he toddler years, and I'm like ugh, I do not want to go through this all over again right away.

I don't want 3 kids under 5. Not to mention, I don't know if my body could handle that again! If it's meant to happen, and circumstances are right, I'll maybe look into it when Bella is in school.

I'll be like 35. Thats my cutoff since I want my boobs done at 36.

before becoming a mom, i never put too much thought into how many kids i wanted nor their genders. i just knew i wanted no less than one child, no more than a crapload.

while i was pregnant with majerle and even quite sometime after giving birth, i envisioned our family as just being us 3. and then i got "the itch." luckily, my SO is itchy too. our family just doesnt feel complete yet, and im surprised that i feel this way.
SO really wants a boy and i dont care either way, but i know 2 kids would be ideal for me. we have compromised on number of children/gender. if we're ever blessed with a 2nd child and its a boy, we're going to stop there. if we are blessed with a 2nd child and its a girl, he gets one more chance for a boy. but 3 strikes and he's out. pregnancy is not very fun for me (and apparently my body isnt a fan either), so i also have a time limit. id like to have all the kids we're going to have by the time im 30.
I expected to have 2 kids because I grew up in a family of 2 kids and I enjoyed my upbringing. DH expected to have 3 kids for the same reason.

We have 2 and we're done. For many of the reasons that Geeky mentioned above, 2 kids is what I feel comfortable handling. I am able to enjoy my kids and parenthood but I am also able to keep my career and some my independent interests. My DH works a lot, often on weekends and I spend a lot of time alone with the kids - I fly alone with the kids, we go on day trips etc... I can't imagine doing that with 3 kids unless there was a significant spacing between them, but since I had my first at 32, I'm not really in a position to have a 5 year gap between kids.

Its is sometimes hard to accept that this is a part of my life that is over and so I waver when I see new babies. But I'm happy to coo over other people's kids now.


Thanks for the reply, A.
God doesn't give special kids to special parents. He takes ordinary, imperfect people, and gifts them with his greatest treasures. And therein, he creates special parents.

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I stopped at one. I had my son when I was 21 years old and had to wait until I was 25 to have my tubes tied. The doctor who delivered him wouldn't tie my tubes because he said I was too young. I knew before getting pregnant that I just wanted one. Yes, my husband wanted at least one more, he wanted a daughter. I just couldn't do it. My husband understands this because I'm the one who has to carry the child and I'd be the one doing the majority of care in the beginning. Having a child is a major commitment and one is all that I can emotionally and mentally handle. Finances and difficult labor weren't part of my decision to have just one. There's always ways to adjust for a new addition. I know in my heart that my family is complete. I can hold a newborn, love them, and hand them back to mama without regret or longing for another one.

I found out at 25 that I had endo and fibroids and my uterus was severely tilted and prolasped. It didn't really matter if I wanted another child or not because I wouldn't have been able to get pregnant. I had my tubes tied so I wouldn't have to use pills or condoms anymore. I had a total hysterectomy at 31...which I should have had at 27 but it didn't happen because I got laid off and lost my insurance. So now I don't have to worry about bc.

Last edited by Speckla; 07-13-2009 at 07:57 PM.
I was done when I gained 75 lbs in fluid labeled pitting edema; was put on bed rest due to such, which was brought on by toxemia, that I was blamed for; had badly bruised lower ribs; was told I & son almost died on the delivery table; I had depression pre & post partum (inherited, S.A.D., isolation); I delivered a 9.5 lb'er natural with cord around neck & muconum; I tore multiple layers that left bad scaring; I got dual carpal tunnel supposedly from pregnancy & complications that was partially fixed 13 years later, ditto for lower back problems that can't/won't be fixed; I have nearly zero pelvic floor control no matter how many kegels are done & not being allowed surgery; money was tight since we were low ranking on the military totem pole... & not long ago I found out I have a genetic hyper-clotting disorder, which may have been partly to blame for the problems I had.

If I would have been guaranteed a 'perfect' second pregnancy, & a little girl, I would have loved to had another, but I was too damn scared for too long.
I've been thinking about this a lot since Lydia was born. I grew up in a family of 4 kids, and I really enjoyed having so many siblings. There was always something going on, and we are still great friends. However, I do feel sad sometimes that I didn't get nearly as much time with my mom as a teenager as my sister (the youngest) did. And we definitely did without many lessons and camps and paid our own ways through college.

I used to say I wanted 6 kids, then DH and I decided on at least 3 and then we'd talk about more. I used to want at least the first two close together. Now, the thought of another child is very overwhelming to me. I don't think pregnancy was particularly hard for me, but I still think about how exhausted I was in the beginning or how sometimes I couldn't walk very well, and I have no idea how I would take care of Lydia at this age while being pregnant. I still spend most of my day wearing her, holding her, walking with her, etc., so the idea of adding a newborn to the mix seems crazy to me right now.

DH and I decided recently that when the Ergo doesn't seem like an essential part of our day and once we have our life settled after he gets back from Iraq, we will talk about number 2. I think we'll just feel it out as we go from there. I still think I want at least three, but probably not spaced as closely as I originally thought.
Life with Lydia

I always wanted three, 2 girls and one boy.

After I left my husband we continued having sex because I didn't feel complete with just the 2 boys (and yes, I was hoping for a girl). We had 2 misscarriges so I gave up.

I then met and fell in love with my current husband and decided to go for my little girl again.

She was a boy.
I now have three boys and I feel complete.... although I still might adopt a girl in the future, if my age is not problem.

With two I felt that something was missing and now, when I look at my boys, fighting over who sits in what chair I feel totally at peace, happy and complete.
This is my first pregnancy, and I have been miserable since I found out. Actually before I found out, I just didn't know the reason. Initially, I wanted 4 kids, don't know why. I just wanted 4. Then that 4 went to include my stepson, which means I'd only birth 3. With this pregnancy, if it doesn't get any better, we may be only having 2, stepson and new baby! DH doesn't care. He would be happy if we didn't have another, but he's also happy about this baby. Basically it's whatever I want, since I've got to deal with all the symptoms. He even mentioned last night that he didn't want me to have to go through this again, because of how miserable I have been. God, I love that man!


As far as what determining factors helped create our decision, well financially, we both would like for me to stay at home until the kids are all in school, and then only work until school lets out. So essentially 8 - 3. Right now, though, I am the only one working fulltime because he is in school. Thankfully he graduates in December and we are due end of Dec/beginning of Jan. Ideally we would like the kids to be no more than 3 years apart, just to give each of them time to develop their little personality without feeling dethrone at an early age; although this is going to happen anyway. Spiritually, we do use birth control, but obviously there was another plan for us.

There is a book that I bought a few years ago just out of curiousity, and now that I'm pregnant, I pulled it out again. It's called The Birth Order Book. It takes a really interesting at the order of kids, and how this causes them to develop different personalities. Here's the author's website: http://www.drleman.com/store/
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A, not a problem!

Lolo...it sounds like you & your hubby are the opposite of hubby & I. He would like more. I have nipped it in the bud...lol

As I have written on here before, sometimes I'm not sure if I am handling this parenting stuff right. I always joke & tell folks I'm a wimp! I was sick in the beginning & was working...sucked big time! I was totally miserable the last month. I know hubby would like a matching set, tho I know there is no guarantee there, but as others have said, most of it falls on the mommy. For me, I just don't have it in me. We were at an age where we needed to ish or get off the pot, so to speak..lol We were married a long time before having the little one b/c I wasn't ready...def not in my 20s. Once you have a little one, you can never go back. I felt if we didn't have one, I might have regrets. Hubby still thought I was too old to have a babe, but if I make my mind up to do something, I usually do it! Not to mention, kiddos are very expensive. We are taking our first real vaca in 5 years w/o the little one. That's quite a while, but am happy we get it at all b/c I believe once you have kids, they should come first...sacrifices should be made. I stayed at home for the first 2 years, but was itching to move on b/c in my field you can't stay away too long. If you do, you get too far beind & it's like starting over. I'm fortunate that hubby is very supportive, tho I know at times he's also like wtf am I doing! lol Parenting is tough & I have much respect for those that have more than one!

Will write more as I think of it

Oh, and, yes, I do get tugged about the little one being an only child & some of the comments at times, blah, blah, blah...but, I do what's best for me & my fam. No one else lives my life or pays my bills & I'm okay w/ all that. The little one has friends & lotsa fam. Tho hubby says, you know when we go on vaca w/ the little one as the little one gets older, we may be taking a friend..lol....

Also, I didn't have the delivery I wanted & know if I were to have another, it would prolly end up that way again & frankly, I'm not up to it...

And, def, we're done b/c we're too old! lol The little ones would be spaced further apart than I'd like, tho I know folks do it, just not for me...I always tease & tell hubby he'd better not knock me up! I am now getting jokes about having too much fun on vaca & coming home w/ a bit more than expected! lol

Sorry for all the rambling...lol

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I think this is a record post from ole Wile E!

Last edited by WilePECoyote - The Nudist Poster; 07-14-2009 at 06:51 AM.

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