Second/subsequent pregnancies

I know it's normal to not get as excited over every little detail of second/subsequent pregnancies as with your first, but I feel like this pregnancy is totally taking a back burner. Or maybe not the pregnancy itself, but thinking about the baby? I just can't seem to get attached/excited. I had a sono yesterday and saw the baby moving around and everything, and it was cute, but I still just don't feel that attached. I'm also weirdly opposed to talking to people (other than my husband) about it. I don't mind when people ask me how I'm feeling or anything, but I really don't want to talk to anyone about the sex of the baby or possible names. I guess the name thing isn't that different because I didn't like to talk about it when I was pregnant with Sol either, but why wouldn't I want to talk about the sex? We don't know for sure yet, but we and the midwife have an educated guess. I have my big sono tomorrow at an imaging center, but I've already told my husband he can't tell anyone the sex until I've decided I'm comfortable with it. I don't know why I'm being so weird! I've also told him that I don't want to tell any of our family/friends when I'm in labor, only once the baby is actually born (though I think I have more reason for that - I don't want them all showing up at the birth center. They can come to our house the next day).

For those of you with more than one child, were you like this during subseqent pregnancies? Did you get attached at all during pregnancy or was it not until the birth? I thought seeing the sono and knowing the sex would help me to see the baby as more of a person, but still not much. I've been feeling the baby move a little bit, but maybe as the movements get stronger and more deliberate it will be better?

I feel guilty because I bonded with Sol so much while I was still carrying him, and I don't want to miss out on that with this baby.
Faith, 3Aish redhead
Mama to two wild superheroes and a curly-headed baby boy
I never bonded with either of my kids in utero. I did not discuss names with anyone, I did not find out the sex or tell anyone, I did not have nicknames for them, we only told family as necessary about going to the hospital (because we did not want them there). I was maybe a smidgen more attached to Nadia, probably because with Ben it was very abstract to me and with Nadia I knew first hand what waited at the end of the experience. But on the other hand, I was so busy being a mom to a toddler that I did not have much time to experience the pregnancy.
It's OK to feel whatever you feel. Once the baby is here you will bond and you will be a great mom. I don't think I am any less of a mom because I did not read to my kids in utero or play them classical music. I wouldn't worry about it.
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With first pregnancies, it can be all you think about. With a second pregnancy, you are busy chasing after a kid all day long, up often at night, and you just don't focus on the next pregnancy like you may have done with the first. I just think there are other things going on, and to think about. It doesn't mean you love this baby any less.

As for names and the sex, I can understand not wanting to talk about those things to others. At one time, those topics were considered private, or mere speculation. I don't think there is anything wrong with not wanting to talk about those things until you are ready.

I also don't think there is anything wrong with not wanting to tell your friends and family you are in labor. If I had given birth where we used to live, we had decided we weren't going to tell anybody, including our mothers, that I was in labor. We were going to wait unitl the baby was actually out. We just didn't want to have to worry about anyone else being there.

Maybe the big sono will help.
With my first 3 babies, I had had 5 and 6 years between pregnancies, so I didn't have toddlers to distract me from bonding and I was able to devote time to communing with the baby in utero. And, I was super-excited each time, because I was dying to have a baby again. With my 4th, though, I was very busy with a toddler and the pregnancy was hardly in my thoughts til more towards the end. I always liked to talk about names and gender, but I'm not secretive about that stuff.
I am feeling the same way Pixie... I really haven't had the time to enjoy this pregnancy like I did with Liam.. things have been crazy lately and with him turning 3 (OMG!) in 2 weeks I have been busy planning that shindig and not really thinking about being pregnant...

I get reminded everytime I go to the OB but other than that right now its the last thing on my mind!

We have picked names already... the boy is set in stone and the girl ... well we are having issues with middle names but otherwise set. I can't wait to know that part so I can count that off my list!

also not looking forward to buying winter stuff for newborn.. Liam is a summer baby so bringing him home and dressing him was a breeze..

d
Liam: 6 years old
Colin: 3 years old
Location: Williamsburg, Virginia
Member Since: August 2000
Totally normal, I think. I was the same way. Chasing a toddler has a lot to do with it.

One of my "mommy" friends said this to me: "When you have your first child, you realize it's not all about you anymore, it's about them. Then, you have your second...and it's still all about the first one!" Another mommy friend told me: "The first gets your time and attention, the second gets your experience." (I'll add that they both get your love!)

Both sayings were a bit tongue in cheek, but kind of true. The first child is going through all the new things first. The second one kind of goes with the flow. This goes for pregnancy and afterward. Not to say you don't enjoy them both, but it is different.
Hair type: 3A/B
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Another mommy friend told me: "The first gets your time and attention, the second gets your experience." (I'll add that they both get your love!)
Originally Posted by fuzzbucket
I really like this. Sometimes I feel guilty that #2 won't get the one-on-one time with me that Sol did, but he/she will benefit from my experience.
Faith, 3Aish redhead
Mama to two wild superheroes and a curly-headed baby boy
I had a problem with my second pregnancy in that I had placenta praevia and there was a chance that I could lose the baby at any tick of the clock. Kinda put things on a different footing for me. It was a horrible pregnancy in that I had nausea constantly from 4 weeks until the end and just felt very stressed about it all, aswell as having a toddler to run around after. Despite that I think I felt closer to that baby in utero than I did the first (when things were a bit surreal for me - I felt all the weird stuff with that baby, not wanting to talk about it, discuss names etc.).
Not a comparable situation though, maybe things would have been different if it had been a straightforward pregnancy.
3b in South Australia.
I think that with the first one you're more involved because you've never experienced anything like it before. So you buy books and read all about what your body and your baby are doing. The whole process is so fascinating. I think too, like the other posters, that you're so wrapped up in chasing a toddler around it's easy to sort of forget to pay attention.

I also wonder if maybe you don't really feel like talking about it is because you're afraid of gender disappointment. I don't mean to cross any lines by putting that out there, just a thought.
I felt that way a lot! Throughout my pregnancy, I felt that I didn't even want this baby anymore and I had made a huge mistake. I was really dipointed that he wasn't a girl, but I was unattached to the pregnancy before that as well. I was mostly irritated that I was pregnant and couldn't do certain things. If he moved a lot, I would get annoyed that he getting in the way of whatever I was doing. I resented him a lot for the pregnancy making me lose my milk and prematurely weaning Dylan. I felt like I must be some kind of evil person, but I really just wished I could go back in time and undo getting pregnant. After the birth, I didn't bond with the baby either, though this is probably in part due to the birth (which I still don't like to talk about). I was mad at him for flipping breech and putting me in danger. People would tell me that all that matters is a healthy baby, and I would think that the baby put himself in this predicament, what about me?? At first I didn't even want to hold him or look at him, although I still went through all the motions of what a mother should do. I didn't feel anything though, except maybe that I'd wake up and everything would be back to how it was. It took me 6 weeks before I felt like I loved my baby and wanted to keep him.

So all I can tell you is to try not to be too hard on yourself. You will love your baby eventually. I love Ethan to pieces--he is such a sweet, mellow guy. But it took me a loooong time to get here.
*Poster formerly known as Bailey422*

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid. ~ George Carlin
This is why I tell all first time mother's to enjoy their first pregnancy. The second one is totally different because you are chasing a little one. I think my prenancy didn't feel real until Addison started kicking me like crazy....I think she was saying...hey I'm in here. Please talk to me. LOL!!! Don't worry bonding will come.
By the way...I thought Addison was going to come out saying No No Chas!!! LOL
I'm not one to bond with babies in utero either time, but I was especially not focused on my second pregnancy. I was so busy with toddler, work and just life in general.

Then she showed up a month early and totally threw us for a loop. We didn't even know where the car seat was. And she was name less for about a week.

In any case, in many ways, DD has missed out on the undivided attention that DS had but she also has the benefit of just fitting right into the family. There wasn't that adjustment that came with the firstborn.

Its ok to feel however you feel. But try not to overthink it.


I think that with the first one you're more involved because you've never experienced anything like it before. So you buy books and read all about what your body and your baby are doing. The whole process is so fascinating. I think too, like the other posters, that you're so wrapped up in chasing a toddler around it's easy to sort of forget to pay attention.

I also wonder if maybe you don't really feel like talking about it is because you're afraid of gender disappointment. I don't mean to cross any lines by putting that out there, just a thought.
Originally Posted by Sigi
I 100% agree with the bolded.
I felt that way a lot! Throughout my pregnancy, I felt that I didn't even want this baby anymore and I had made a huge mistake. I was really dipointed that he wasn't a girl, but I was unattached to the pregnancy before that as well. I was mostly irritated that I was pregnant and couldn't do certain things. If he moved a lot, I would get annoyed that he getting in the way of whatever I was doing. I resented him a lot for the pregnancy making me lose my milk and prematurely weaning Dylan. I felt like I must be some kind of evil person, but I really just wished I could go back in time and undo getting pregnant. After the birth, I didn't bond with the baby either, though this is probably in part due to the birth (which I still don't like to talk about). I was mad at him for flipping breech and putting me in danger. People would tell me that all that matters is a healthy baby, and I would think that the baby put himself in this predicament, what about me?? At first I didn't even want to hold him or look at him, although I still went through all the motions of what a mother should do. I didn't feel anything though, except maybe that I'd wake up and everything would be back to how it was. It took me 6 weeks before I felt like I loved my baby and wanted to keep him.

So all I can tell you is to try not to be too hard on yourself. You will love your baby eventually. I love Ethan to pieces--he is such a sweet, mellow guy. But it took me a loooong time to get here.
Originally Posted by Kaia
Kaia, I can relate to so much of this post. We got pregnant before we were really ready and I spent a lot of my pregnancy filled with regret. I felt like I was cheating Harry of his babyhood and Mama time because I was so sick and exhausted for the first trimester and then debilitated by pelvic pain for the second two trimesters. Add to that the issues we have with Harry and sleep, and I spent many nights crying about how we were going to handle two kids. Like Ethan, Nate was big and breech, but he turned. It was still a crappy birth and postpartum experience, and it was hard to come to terms with that.

Sorry to guano, just had to send some hugs your way!
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I think I realized another reason why I've been feeling/acting this way. I've been becoming less attention-whorish in recent years, and I think I'm afraid that people will think I'm an attention whore if I make a big deal out of my SECOND pregnancy. Like my sister is planning her second wedding right now (2 1/2 weeks away) and it's not unlike most people's first weddings, and a lot of people have been talking about her behind her back, how it's inappropriate and stuff. I think I'm afraid people will think that about me if I make a huge deal of my pregnancy. Especially because we plan to have more children, and so I don't want our friends/family thinking that every couple years I act like it's The Pixie Show with my newest pregnancy.
Faith, 3Aish redhead
Mama to two wild superheroes and a curly-headed baby boy
Pixie, I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I too am pregnant with my second child, but in a way am having sort of the opposite experience. I was very much engrossed in my first pregnancy because it was just that, my first pregnancy. However, the complications I had lead to an overwhelming fear that didn't allow me to enjoy my pregnancy from 24 weeks on.

With this pregnancy, although faced with potentially the same complications, I am trying to enjoy it and really am looking forward to meeting this little one (I also know this will be our last as well).

I have made it a point to include our DD in talk about the baby & to promote her "job" as a big sister. I don't see this baby as breaking up the bond that she & I share (sure, I'll miss one-on-one time with her, but we can still have that), but as an opportunity for DD & the baby to bond and for her love to grow along with ours. That all probably sounds cliche, but its how I feel.

Don't beat yourself up for feelings that you're having. It seems that others that may have been in your shoes felt different over time, so just give it some time.







Pixie,

I am so sorry you are feeling this way! For me, it was the total opposite. DS was not planned, and once I really got used to the idea and started getting excited, we found out about his heart and everything changed. We had to make some hard decisions and nothing seemed to go according to plan.

I felt a lot of guilt through this pregnancy and I honestly still do. It has been easy to bond with C, something that took much time and work with S. Everything just came easy with her, and I think in my mind I was playing favorites already...I had to really sit down and realize WHY I am enjoying everything, after having the worst happen, you enjoy the good time that much more...Just b/c I did not bond with S right away, or have the best pregnancy/birth with him does not make me love him any less.

This may have been mentioned, but my sleep deprived brian cannot remember right now...I know you were not 100% happy with your birth experience, maybe some of your reservations lie in worry that you may not be happy again?
Thanks for all the replies. deezee you are right that I was a bit disappointed in my first birth experience and I really do hope that this one is better.

DH and I had a long talk about this stuff and I'm starting to feel a bit better. I think what I wrote in my last post was really a big factor - like I thought no one really cares about my second pregnancy, they're just asking to be nice. But my husband has assured me that people do in fact care (at least people very close to us) a lot and I'm not at all acting like an attention whore if I talk about it a little.

Oh, and we decided to tell people the sex. It's a boy. Undoubtedly a boy. He gave us a GREAT view during the sonogram, and let's just say DH is quite proud
Faith, 3Aish redhead
Mama to two wild superheroes and a curly-headed baby boy
That is great news. Off to see the sono picture....

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