work relationship dilemma

luvmylocs · 11-03-2009, 11:43 AM

so i have a work situation that i want to get y'alls opinion on.

the super short version is i have someone that used to be a colleague but now works in another area that seems to have an issue with me and won't even speak to me.

the longer version is that this woman cried on my shoulder when she found out she had cancer, we used to talk about fitness and some personal things (but nothing too deep). at one point we worked closely with each other. then she moved on, with a promotion (she's several years older than me and further along in her career). she befriended a girl in my group (which i totally don't care about). anyway, she does little nasty things that even my boss is puzzled by (don't want to go into too much detail). she added me as an fb friend so that when i first got on she was already in my friend list. i kept her as a friend even though i think it's weird to be fb friends with someone that doesn't speak to you or seem like they really like you in real life. i eventually deleted her once she posted something i thought was racist and derogatory on her fb page. i honestly have no idea why this woman would not speak to me at work. i don't feel like i've done anything to her and we're not even in the same group or competing for the same job/position or anything but her actions seem intensely personal and nasty and we used to be cool, i actually looked up to her because she seemed balanced and had a nice family and work life.

this is the only person in my company/professional setting that i feel this sort of tension with. my question is...should i say something to her directly and try to smooth it over? or should i just let it go and chalk this up to "everybody is not going to always like you"? i really don't like the awkwardness of the situation but i'm not sure "talking about it" will change anything.

Josephine · 11-03-2009, 01:32 PM

It depends on if you like her and want to be friends with her. I would let it go. I wouldn't want to be friends with someone like that. If a very close old friend did something like that, I would definitely ask.

RedCatWaves · 11-03-2009, 01:46 PM

I would just pretend like you two are actually friendly, like you have never noticed a problem or tension between you. I'd say hello to her and observe all the social niceties and not let anything about her bother me.

luvmylocs · 11-03-2009, 01:54 PM

good advice josephine and rcw. i guess it just sort of hurts my feelings but i should just let it go.

this morning i saw her and the girl that work on my team walking back from coffee. i waived. the girl on my team waived back, she did not. weird.

WileECoyote - Dissolving Bikini Wearer · 11-03-2009, 01:57 PM

Is it b/c you want closure? I know how that can be, but, yeah, try to let it go...

luvmylocs · 11-03-2009, 02:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WileECoyote - Dissolving Bikini Wearer

Is it b/c you want closure? I know how that can be, but, yeah, try to let it go...

really i just want it not to be awkward. we don't have to be bff's but we do still work and interact with each other so the behavior just makes it awkward.

PartyHair · 11-03-2009, 02:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RedCatWaves

I would just pretend like you two are actually friendly, like you have never noticed a problem or tension between you. I'd say hello to her and observe all the social niceties and not let anything about her bother me.

This was going to be my advice too - take the high road.

And you know what? Screw closure. You aren't always going to get closure. And really, it isn't THAT important, right? You get along with everyone else, your boss is happy with you and your work, you like your job...who cares if this woman has some sort of imaginary issue with you.

Be pleasant to her when you see her but don't seek her out, and above all, continue to be professional and hardworking.

luvmylocs · 11-03-2009, 02:21 PM

you guys are great!! really i feel better just reading your responses!!

Lotsawaves · 11-03-2009, 08:38 PM

I, personally, would talk to her. If someone is upset with me, then I want to know why. I, also, don't like feeling uncomfortable where I work. I spend a lot of time there.

PartyHair · 11-03-2009, 08:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lotsawaves

I, personally, would talk to her. If someone is upset with me, then I want to know why. I, also, don't like feeling uncomfortable where I work. I spend a lot of time there.

I think that, at best, that would be a waste of the OP's time and at worst, would open a colossal can of worms.

I say it would be a waste of time for the OP because her coworker STILL won't give her any closure - I'll bet you dollars to donuts.

I still vote for taking the high road, being pleasant and professional. Either the woman will come around or she'll realize she isn't going to get a rise out of the OP and will move on to irritate someone else.

RedCatWaves · 11-03-2009, 08:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PartyHair

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lotsawaves

I, personally, would talk to her. If someone is upset with me, then I want to know why. I, also, don't like feeling uncomfortable where I work. I spend a lot of time there.

I think that, at best, that would be a waste of the OP's time and at worst, would open a colossal can of worms.

I say it would be a waste of time for the OP because her coworker STILL won't give her any closure - I'll bet you dollars to donuts.

I still vote for taking the high road, being pleasant and professional. Either the woman will come around or she'll realize she isn't going to get a rise out of the OP and will move on to irritate someone else.

I agree. This person didn't bother to talk to Luvmylocs, just acted snotty. It's very unlikely she will give any satisfaction in a confrontation. Better to just ignore the temper tantrum, like any other childish behavior.

Lotsawaves · 11-03-2009, 11:17 PM

But they work for the same company and do see each other. Like I said, I would personally try to find out what is bothering her. It may be something that can be reconciled or not. At least, she made an effort, if she did or said something that upset her. If she is unwilling to talk about it, then the OP can move on knowing she did her part to try to remedy the situation. I would hate to know that I unintentionally upset or hurt someone. Sure the other woman is acting childish, but someone needs to be the bigger person.

luvmylocs · 11-03-2009, 11:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RedCatWaves

Quote:

Originally Posted by PartyHair

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lotsawaves

I, personally, would talk to her. If someone is upset with me, then I want to know why. I, also, don't like feeling uncomfortable where I work. I spend a lot of time there.

I think that, at best, that would be a waste of the OP's time and at worst, would open a colossal can of worms.

I say it would be a waste of time for the OP because her coworker STILL won't give her any closure - I'll bet you dollars to donuts.

I still vote for taking the high road, being pleasant and professional. Either the woman will come around or she'll realize she isn't going to get a rise out of the OP and will move on to irritate someone else.

I agree. This person didn't bother to talk to Luvmylocs, just acted snotty. It's very unlikely she will give any satisfaction in a confrontation. Better to just ignore the temper tantrum, like any other childish behavior.

yeah as i think about it i don't think i'll get a sincere response. i think it just is what it is...i'll be nice and politically correct and just leave it at that.

PartyHair · 11-03-2009, 11:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lotsawaves

But they work for the same company and do see each other. Like I said, I would personally try to find out what is bothering her. It may be something that can be reconciled or not. At least, she made an effort, if she did or said something that upset her. If she is unwilling to talk about it, then the OP can move on knowing she did her part to try to remedy the situation. I would hate to know that I unintentionally upset or hurt someone. Sure the other woman is acting childish, but someone needs to be the bigger person.

Yeah, I personally don't think it's worth it. If they worked closely together, then of course they need to work it out, but they don't, so it isn't that big of a deal.

I have basically the same situation with this woman who works in my division, but we don't work closely together, so I just don't worry about it. I'm always professional when I see her, I don't gossip or backstab or anything like that. I know my behavior is 100% on the up and up, so I don't really care if she doesn't like me for some mysterious reason.

It really doesn't have much of an effect on my day to day work life, and it most certainly isn't worth me approaching her. It wouldn't lead to any kind of resolution at all and would likely make things worse.

If she has a problem with me, she can come and talk to me about it one on one and I will most certainly listen to what she has to say and will reconcile with her if possible.

I'm blessed with a thick skin - I don't really care that she doesn't like me. I just keep it professional and as far as I'm concerned everything's fine.

Lotsawaves · 11-03-2009, 11:40 PM

But, apparently, this is bothering the OP. If it wasn't she wouldn't have posted this.

Many of you wouldn't be bothered. I would, so that is why I feel she needs to talk to her.

hippychic · 11-04-2009, 11:07 AM

i would talk to her

i had a similiar situation like that at work. the coworker was so nasty to me for no apparent reason. i approached her and asked if there was something i had done to offend her because she was treating me like xyx by doing xyz. she apologized. to this day, i never knew the real deal behind it but she went back to being professional after i approached her. i'm a firm believer in nipping stuff in the bud and not just letting it slide. you don't have to be my friend but you do need to be professional in a work environment.

Suburbanbushbabe · 11-04-2009, 11:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RedCatWaves

I would just pretend like you two are actually friendly, like you have never noticed a problem or tension between you. I'd say hello to her and observe all the social niceties and not let anything about her bother me.

+1. This seems to be her problem.

Quote:

just let it go and chalk this up to "everybody is not going to always like you"?

Yes.

spiderlashes5000 · 11-05-2009, 09:51 AM

Maybe her cancer is back? Maybe your mutual friend is trash talking you?

Does your mutual friend have any idea what this is all about?

I was in a situation where someone (much older) who I did consider a close personal friend, suddenly turned on me like a rabbid dog and started being insanely mean and nasty to me. She had a tendency to do this to other people at the office, but I never thought she would do it to me, as our friendship had grown pretty close.

I tried to take the high road and bought her some of her favorite candy and got her this cute little card saying something about "I hope we're still friends" or something. She was really touched by the sentiment and was friendly w/ me for a hot minute...and then the first time we didn't see eye about a work related matter, she reverted back to crazy, *****y self...and I was like, "why the hell did I waste my time??"

You didn't really say what the nasty personal slights were...so we can't draw any conclusion as to what might be behind them. But if she suddenly turned irrationally and intensely mean, WITHOUT ANY PROVOCATION, then clearly it is her problem and not something you should take ownership of.