Another day another tear. I am getting further and further along in this process and realizing that nappy is prettier than it has ever been before. I have seen natural ural hair in a way that I have never seen it in the past. For the first time, I have looked at my face and felt pretty based on my face alone. Maybe this isn't so bad.

Have you ever felt like you were leaving someone behind? Well that's how I feel today. The girl that was told how beautiful she was with her beautiful long hair was soon to be a distant memory. I worked so hard on becoming her. I worked so hard on receiving the compliments that I had and the focus from men that I felt I deserved. I guess in some ways I feel like I will loose it forever. Can I be as beautiful without the chemical?

I have talked to Curly Mommy and Curly Grandmommy about what I am going through. It came to them as much suprise. They said they kind of understood and meant no harm at the time. They felt they were acting in my best interest and doing what they could to boost my confidence. I guess in some ways they are right, but the point is they gave me the closure I needed to leave the old mme behind.

Recently I have heard people say they can't picture me with an afro or ask me if I have the hair texture for that. These all seem to be more reasons why I need to continue forward. Evenn though I loved the benefits of my beautiful permed hair, I don't like what it has made me or the people around me become. I don't like the idea that others may not like me for who I really am and I don't like the fact they don't like themselves for who they really are either.

I am certainly working on things emotionaly...crying as I write this. Breaking down inside afraid of what I might become. As though the animalistic creature that society has turned my idea of my hair into being  is going to reveal itself and completely devour the beautiful eurocentric princess that I had becoome...Yeah....that's exactly what I feel like.

In the end, I know this isn't just for me. I know the lye has to end here. I know that my daughter should never be tortured with the idea that she has to live a lye in order to be beautiful. I am trying people!