open hearts family

What are some daily challenges you face being a mother to a child with different hair and skin than you?

I think one challenge is that I can’t draw from my experience.  My hair and skin are very different from hers.  I learned quickly that moisture is the key to her healthy skin and hair.  Then I had a period where I was trying different products to try to discover what would work best for her.   I felt quite inadequate as a mom not to have this knowledge at my fingertips.   I think a bigger challenge is to get her to love and appreciate her hair even though it is different from many of her friends and what she sees on TV and in magazines.

The reality is that caring for it is a lot of work and isn’t always fun for her or me.  I tell her all the time her hair is beautiful. I think she is starting to own that feeling too where previously she wished for my hair which she referred to as “princess hair.” I never really liked my hair growing up so it was odd to me she liked it so much. I didn’t realize one of the things she missed with tightly curled hair was her hair moving when she danced or shook her head. She likes to put a t-shirt on her head and pretend it is hair. She will then flip it around mercilessly. She also loves her Halloween costume wig of long black hair which allowed her to do the same. She also loves her hair in a bath or pool when it relaxes as it becomes soaking wet.

I never realized how fun it is to feel your hair swing back and forth until I watched her joy with this simple movement I took for granted. Braids are a fun compromise for us. They allow her to feel movement with her own hair when she runs or jumps. And they allow me to do a style once that lasts for the week. We are experimenting and having fun with different styles. Her brothers always vote for the straight afro but she is more adventurous.

How have you adjusted to these differences?

I really had to  look more closely at my own relationship to my skin and hair before I could help my daughter.  I had to make peace with where I was so that I was credible in giving my daughter advice.  We both wished our hair or skin was a bit different than what it was. I shared with her that I wished I had my one good friend’s hair and skin so my daughter knows this type of wishing is not unusual.

We both also wouldn’t change either of those pieces of who we are.  I remind her how often people say they wished they had her hair and how beautiful it is.  I think it helps her see her hair as others do. I also go on-line and look for natural hair sites where she can see beautiful women who have hair like hers. We also look for them in magazines and as we go about our day. And we discuss if she would like their style one day if it is a fancy one with braids or something else that makes it stand out.  I also realized making it fun and getting at the play part of it helped us bond. We sing songs and act silly while doing hair together. It doesn’t need to be a serious activity.

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