I didn’t think much about my shave until the morning of. I was nervous about how I’d look without my hair live on YouTube for the world to see. So I did what I always do when I’m fearful, scared, or nervous and just prayed. “It’s not a big deal Maya. You are not your hair.” During my shave I was nervous as hell. I think mainly because I was doing it live in front of thousands of people. I’d like to think it would have been less nerve-wracking had I done it alone.
My cousin, Jeigh was shaving my head for me and we sectioned it off because I planned on donating my hair to Locks of Love, which is a charity who makes and provide wigs to children who suffer from clinical hair loss. Once he finished cutting one side of my hair I saw what I looked like with a mini fro and immediately felt less attractive. “What am I doing?!“ He continued to buzz half of my hair off without me seeing anything.
I went through so many emotions and thoughts. A combination of not being attractive along with my personal life since quietly out of the public eye I was going through a divorce with my husband. Once I saw the initial shaved side simply put I was shocked. I no longer recognized my reflection. Once we started cutting off the sections on the other side I all of a sudden was over it all. I was no longer scared, shocked, choced up. I even started shaving my own hair, before handing it back to my cousin. By the end of the shave I overcame my fears of inadequacy.
I did the thing that scared me and it no longer had a grip on me. For the rest of the day and few days following I completely forgot my hair was gone most of the time. It wasn’t until I saw my reflection where I kept saying to myself “who is that person”. I really couldn’t recognize myself. I’ve had shoulder length hair for 10 years and have never seen myself without hair. So visually I did not recognize myself. I even completely forgot I shaved my hair the next morning and went to brush my teeth and didn’t recognize my reflection! It really is a trip. It’s a completely new experience to self-discovery. Every week I am seeing myself transform because my hair is growing. And every week I’m like, “what is it going to do now?” It’s really interesting.