Your horn is not a pick up line. I don't appreciate it. I'm not sure I know anyone else who thinks that is a charming pick up line. I just want to stand outside and have my f'n cigarette without any of you tools bothering me. You are all pathetic.

In response to your holiday card, L., thanks but no thanks. You f****d up our friendship SOOO badly, a lifetime will never fix it. I'm glad you have your little happy life, but I don't ever see that life including me. Guess what, you don't try to get on your best friend's boyfriend and expect her to like you afterwords. Wait, I guess YOU do! I'm not going to call you, I don't want to exchange friendlies with you, I want nothing to do with you. I wish I didn't feel guilty for feeling this way.

To you damn dirties at the gym-- wipe your equipment after use. There are CLEARLY signs to remind you of this lest you forget. I don't want your germs or sweat. That's nasty. Please stop coming if you are going to be slobby.
To my stomach and thighs. Please go away. No one likes you. I realize you are stubborn and we've been together a long time, but it's time for us to part ways.

To quote wild_sasparilla:
'Thou shaketh it a little and it feeleth alright.'