... And could only have ONE cleanser, ONE conditioner and ONE styler (nightmare, I know), what would they be?

I'll start:

Cleanser: SM Moisture Retention 'poo
Conditioner: VO5 Shea Cashmere
Styler: KCCC

Nevermind that no one will be around to appreciate your gorgeousness. What would your hair need to keep its will to live going?
Medium/coarse, low porosity, dense, mix of 3s
CG (again) since Nov. 2012

Cleanse: SM Moisture Retention, Elucence MBC, KC Come Clean
Condish: Giovanni DL, Cure Care, Ion Treatment, GVP Balm, AOHR
Stylers: KCCC, SM Souffle, AOMM, SS CEJ, JCRR, JCCC

Trying out steaming!