I feel like such a loser...
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Join Date: Jul 2003
Saturday, October 5, 2013 at 06:49PM
: I feel like such a loser...
I am 38 and about to be twice divorced. My self esteem is so low right now. It's a challenge for me to just get out of bed these days.
I was married the first time when I was 27. Looking back, I knew walking down the aisle I shouldn't do it, but just didn't know how to get out of it. I'm not one who can pretend to be happy when I'm not. I was just so unhappy and knew I wasn't with "the one". We divorced a little over a year later.
Fast forward to ten years later, I though I had met "the one". I was head over heels in love. We only dated 6 months before we got married. It was a second marriage for both of us, we were older, and just didn't see the need to date for a long time as we both wanted to be together. We got married in Feb.
Fast forward to July. I'm a flight attendant and had been on a typical three day trip. I left home on Friday and got home on Monday. That Monday when I got home, I was in complete shock. The house was a complete disaster. I'm a very neat person and always keep the house immaculate. I don't mean just a few things out of place, I mean furniture moved to the corner of a room, dishes all over the kitchen, the guest room was a disaster (his kids had been visiting). I guess he had started to strip the guest bed after the kid's visit and then decided not to wash the sheets as they were just strown all over the floor. There was a half drank glass of whatever he was drinking and then an empty bottle of vodka sitting on the kitchen cabinet. He had called out sick from work (even though he had taken the whole week before off to spend with his kids..they live out of town). He was passed out on our bed. He woke up when I came in and I was LIVID!! I said you weren't sick today, you were drunk or hungover!! He said he didn't know what to say. I was so mad that I left and spent the night at my parent's house. I also told him to let me know when the house was back in order and I'd come home.
I was only at my parent's house one night. That night, he was blowing up my phone calling and texting. He was so sorry, so embarrassed, etc. I told him that I absolutely would not live like that..not knowing what to expect when I came home from a trip. He promised that wouldn't happen again and he even got rid of all the alcohol we had in the house.
He works for an insurance company and was switching the insurance agency he was working for and there was a two week gap that he was off. I went on a two day trip during that time. I was literally only gone from home about 36 hours. I came home and he hadn't bothered to pick up after himself and again, he was passed out drunk when I came in.(This was 5 weeks after the first incident). I was also irritated because he didn't bother to offer to cook dinner or anything when he had been home and I had come in from working. I left again and went to my parent's house (I wasn't kidding when I said I would not live like that). He called and asked if I was coming home and I said no, I'm not. I told him he needed to get help with his drinking problem which of course he denies having.
I really wanted us to work things out and I wanted him to find a better way to cope with things besides drinking. He said he wanted all of that too. He said he would go to counseling. I was at my parent's house for two weeks and during that time he made zero effort to see me or to make any efforts in regard to a counselor. So I told him he needed to move out (we were living in my house that I was living in before he came in the picture).
He was SOOO mad that I "kicked him out" that he went and got an apartment and signed a six month lease instead of going month to month. When I made attempts to talk to him during that time, he was just mad and arrogant and even mean. He asked if I ran off my first husband too, told me my life will be pretty hollow with just "an annoying dog". He knows how I feel about my dog...I don't have children and she is like a child to me.
Two weeks ago, I told him that I still love him very much and want us to work things out and asked if he wants to also. He said he is not going to change for anyone at this point in his life, is going to hang out with his friends and drink when he wants to. So, I contacted a lawyer and filed for divorce...it was filed last Friday.
I feel hurt, rejected and I miss him. However, I am way more upset/devastated/embarrassed about being 38 and (almost) twice divorced than I am about losing him.
I also now have to face the fact that children are probably not in my future. I feel like now I"M a giant red flag and that no one will want to date me, much less marry me. Yes, I still want to find "the one". I'm just so humiliated and embarrassed. I have been off work for three weeks...I had some vacation time and I have a ton of sick leave that I was saving up for a rainy day and it's damn near a flood in my world right now. I am seeing a counselor. Also, I lost about 10 pounds in two weeks. I went from 115lbs to 106lbs (fully clothed at the dr). I can't eat, I can't sleep. My doc put me on an antidepressant and gave me some sleeping pills. I just don't know how to deal with all of this...
I don't really know why I posted here...I guess I'm just hoping maybe others have some words of wisdom for me...
I knew NOTHING of this drinking issue until the first incident in July. I just feel so stupid!!