My relationship may be at stake. Please help me!

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After a long talk with my SO, we discussed the possibility that he may not be attracted to me, but that he loves me. That killed me to hear. Absolutely killed me. I know I need to lose weight. I have a fire under my ass right now, but I'm afraid even the possibility of losing him might not be enough to make me get my ass moving. I'm very depressed and trying out my first antidepressant, so even getting up on time is a pain in the butt for me, but I love him and I'm willing to do whatever it takes, including getting up for an early-morning work out.

I need help, though. I'm rubbish at making plans and sticking to them. I have unrealistic expectations. I go too hard, injure myself, and then lose motivation and stop. He may love me, but physical attraction is a big part of a relationship and how I am now just isn't going to work. Plus, I seriously need to lose weight for my own health.

I've made a million posts like this a million different times, but I NEED to do it this time. Please help me come up with a plan? I just need a push in the right direction...I'm too anxious and scatterbrained and used to losing weight unhealthily. I need someone to hold my hand but also kick me in the ass. I need a map. Please. I don't want to lose him.

I'm 23 years old, 4'9'', 175lb. I need to lose 40-50lb.
Ask a friend to exercise with you. You can maybe go for a swim every week to begin with? Swimming is nice, healthy and especially: you will not get an injury easily.
If you ask a friend (or ask your SO?) to join you, you will not give up that easily (that's what I've done, me and my best friend are swimming every week now).

Then, as for losing weight with a "diet". I don't really believe in diets anymore, since you will probably gain weight again if you stop the diet... and I don't think I will ever have the "courage" to maintain a diet for the rest of my life.
There are small things you can change though, which you can keep doing for the rest of your life without feeling like you're on a diet.
1) replace unhealthy snacks by more healthy (but still tasty) snacks: you can eat crackers, fruit (I'm getting addicted to mango and bananas ), vegetables (remember those small sweet tomatoes!), soup, ...
2) my secret (not so secret anymore) weapon: an iced tea mix I make myself. With this "recipe" I lose way more weight than when I'm drinking water... (and waaaay more than when I'm drinking soda, but that's obvious...).
What do you make? 3/4 green tea that you leave to cool down (green tea makes you lose weight and is healthy overall), 1/4 light cranberry juice (you can also add sweetener, but don't add sugar since that will give more calories). It's tasty like soda is and helps you lose more weight than when you drink still water.
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I agree about working out with a friend. You can motivate each other. You can start with walking or swimming. Both can be enjoyable.

I've been researching the micronutrient diet. Here's the website....
Dr. Joel Fuhrman Improves Health - Lose Weight Naturally | Reverse Diabetes | Prevent Heart Disease and Cancer | Lower Cholesterol My SO and I are going to start it this weekend when he gets back in town. We are very health conscious people.

I also drink 1 to 2 cups of green tea each day. I also drink diluted Welch's grape juice 30 minutes before each meal. It is good for me, plus it reduces my appetite and curbs my craving for sweets.

Hopefully your SO will be willing to help you achieve your goal of losing weight.
From Michael Berg:

Every person has a unique connection to the Creator that can never be extinguished, and every person has a great soul that can manifest important things in our world. To make a person feel less than they are because of something inside themselves, be it faith, race, or sexual orientation, is the greatest sin of all."
I'm not usually in the non-hair side of the boards but I felt I needed to at least give you some motivation. I have been in your situation, I was roughly the same height and weight a few years ago and have dropped about 50lbs. So I feel your pain.

Tip 1: do it for you. You can use your relationship as motivation, but at the end of the day, do it for yourself. That sounds silly, but it was a huge step for me taking care of myself in the long run.

Tip 2: keep some form of journal. I have a little calendar that I keep in my purse for my long term history and a fridge calendar for my "right now" goals. It helps to look at what you have done and how far you have come. Progress is a strong motivator. For example, when I first started working out I could do maybe 15 min on the treadmill at a brisk walk/occasional light jog now my runs are several miles, but it's taken me years. I always strive to do just a little better each time.

Tip 3: set attainable short term goals. Yeah you want to lose 40lbs, that's not going to happen immediately and it's easy to lose focus. And I personally tried to avoid number goals. I can't use number goals effectively. I can easily say I want to run more miles this week than last week and have a plan of action of getting there. If I say I want to lose 5lb in 2 weeks it's a much less direct plan of action for me and I slack. Plus you never know how exactly you will lose weight because that's effected by several factors (period etc)

Tip 4: don't obsess over the number. I weigh myself once a month or so. If I weigh myself daily it puts me on an emotional roller coaster of aw I gained or yay I lost a little. I prefer to judge by how certain clothes fit or how I look in the mirror or how well I can do a particular excerise than the number.

Tip 5: find something you sincerely enjoy or find a motivating challenge. I like running because I have a distinct measure of how far I went and can strive to beat that number. I also like Zumba and tennis just because they for feel like workouts to me it's just having a good time.

Food tips: eat healthy foods you like, keep a food journal if it motivates you, don't "diet" as in eat in a way that you can't maintain the rest of your life.

Best of luck,
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I agree with katmack...

It's nice to exercise with a friend but if they let you down you've still got to have the confidence to go on your own...

There will be an exercise out there that you'll enjoy you've just got to find it. If you don't like it don't do it (I hate running!). My thing is music so I enjoy working out to songs I love

I've never been significantly overweight but do get up at 5.45am to exercise every work day :P even after all this time I still wake up thinking about giving it a miss and have to drag myself there! I'm not very good a breakfast so will have a small smoothie after the gym.

I still crave junk food and enjoy it BUT I never have anything fattening in the house and take packed lunch to work. That means if i want something fattening i have to go out and get it! If it was in front of me I'd eat it! I eat little and often - everyone at work laughs at me coz my lunch bag comes everywhere, it seems endless and I'm always eating! If I don't munch on something every couple of hours I turn into a b**ch! - that means i don't eat a 'meal' in one go at work but it probably all adds up to a normal size breakfast & lunch.

At home I treat myself to other things to keep me busy (give myself mani & pedi every week, and of course CG takes up my time!). When I first 'went healthy' I used to buy a lot of canned/ dried food as they lasted longer...

Be as independent as you can with diet and exercise - if you're relying on someone what happens when they're not around....

I'm not sure if this helps but you're not alone! Exercise and diet is a b**ch but it really is the only long term thing that works....

Good luck
A lot of people lose weight on the Atkins or South Beach diet or a similar low carb plan - the science behind it is pretty good. might want to prepare yourself for the possibility that losing weight may not save your relationship. You might also consider whether you really want to commit yourself long-term to a relationship which is dependent on you being thin. Life has a lot of ups and downs (even physically, people change - people get medical problems, women have babies, and so on), and ideally people should be there for each other and support each other through the challenging times.

Last edited by Sundial; 08-08-2013 at 05:49 PM.
I hope that the weight loss is something that *YOU* want for yourself and not something that you need to do to keep this person. Hopefully he will support you and that his words are true.

But.... as a person who has never lived up to the expectations of an ex, let me tell you that if he can not be attracted to you because of one reason, there will be a second reason too.

Just take care of yourself and be gentle with yourself during this process of weightloss (and the medicinal stuff as well) as it is a hard process for anyone, much less when you are are dealing with relationship and personal issues.

Good luck!
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Make sure you're doing this for you. Not him. You need to be able to love yourself first. And physical attraction is not the key in a relationship. If you really are determined to lose weight I recommend making a tumblr and following daniellepeazerfitness. She can help guide you through the whole process and is very polite.
Good luck! I hope you achieve your goal
Excellent posts in this thread. I'm seconding everyone who said do it for yourself!

If you are religious - take advantage of that and pray. (I'm not pushing religion here - it wouldn't work at all for me but it does work for some people).

The awful hard truth is what I learned years ago - 3 words are really the only way to lose weight: They are: Eat less. Exercise.

From what I've read, in the long run (over a year) it doesn't matter whether you do low carb, low fat, high protein, vegan, macrobiotic, prehistoric, blah blah. What matters is that you don't deprive yourself all the time. Eat what you like that is reasonably healthy, with some treats but eat a little less of everything. Get some exercise - if you hate it just go for a short walk. Get moving.

Others have done it - you can too!!! Best of luck to you and please post back and let us know how you are doing.
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if he says he's not attracted to you due to weight, if someone who loves YOU they would never feel that way and would at least address it as a Health concen not a physical attraction issue. Unless you have really bad hygiene, Forget about the weight and just focus on getting healthy! (And um clean of course... lol)
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Last edited by Ashleynicol; 09-20-2013 at 07:29 AM.
I agree with the other ladies. A health transformation should be for YOU, no one else.

I think when you work on your happiness journey, you see how all aspects of your life/health fall into place.

Make it a slow and steady health transformation, mentally and physically. Think positive thoughts about YOU, keep a journal of your thoughts/meal plans, and keep track of you feel. 3 months from now, you will be amazed at your progress and perhaps find an athletic goal to train for, like walk/run a 5k with your friends/family.

1. Make a healthy goal for each day. "Today I will eat fruit and veggies with each meal and drink water with lemon, and I'll walk for 20 minutes after dinner."

2. Having a fitness buddy helps, but if they are not as motivated, you have to rely on yourself to get it done. Maybe it helps to get it out of the way first thing in the morning?

3. Make fitness accessible & sneak in fitness breaks throughout the day.
-I walk for 20 min during my lunch break in my building.
-Take stairs.
-I do abs, push ups, squats during commercials.
-I bought a exercise bike for cheap off craigslist, I ride it for 30-40 min when searching the internet, watching a movie or reading.

Slow and steady physical and mental changes create positive, lifelong changes. You can do it. Believe in yourself as we do.
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Transitioning since 4/2008, with no plans to BC

Another tip which helps me. If I don't feel like working out - I say to myself 'OK just get out there & do a minimum of 10mins. 10mins is not long at all. its about 1/10th of a breaking bad episode. If I don't like it - then I can pack it in & go home.' I always end up doing more than 10mins
When a man truly loves you, he will stay by your side no matter what. Sadly, attraction is a huge part of a relationship, but it's not the end all be all. You really need to sit down and get to know yourself. Oftentimes weight gain is due to the things that we don't deal with inside. You really need to ask yourself that if you stick with this man, what if you gain weight in the future again? Is he going to have this same discussion? It seems a little on the shallow side, and I think that you probably deserve much better than that. Do you really want somebody dictating what you look like all of your life? Take control of your own life, and then from there things will fall into place.

In the meantime, if *YOU* want to lose the weight - find exercises that you like to do.. that's very important! I find high intensity interval training to have pretty quick results. My favorite is getting on the StairMaster or elliptical, going slow-medium pace for 2-3 mins, kick it straight up to high pace for 30 sec - 1 min, and repeat.
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Tip 1: do it for you.
Originally Posted by KatMack
100%. You can lose the weight and he'll still be gone anyway. It may sound selfish but make yourself happy first. Everyone else will see that positive energy and follow suit.
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All these ladies are so wise! And I'm sure it's been said but if he won't make a commitment to do it with you or be supportive at least then it'll continually be hurtful for you to stay and feel bad about yourself.

You are worth a good relationship and getting fit for health reasons.
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Weight watchers is a great support group. Highly recommend. I only lose weight eating less and that is what WW teaches - how to eat enough to eat not gain weight but be satisfied.
GO VEGAN! Check out high carb veganism on youtube and pretty much eat the most awesome feel good food to stay lean and healthy to boot!
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GO VEGAN! Check out high carb veganism on youtube and pretty much eat the most awesome feel good food to stay lean and healthy to boot!
Originally Posted by mimiko
^^ This, being vegan is one of the single best things I've ever done/did.

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I would only recommend going vegan if you'll commit yourself to cooking all of the time. It's really easy to become nutritionally deficient as a vegan.

I agree with everyone who says to lose the weight for you and to make exercise and a healthy way of eating a permanent lifestyle change. If you can find s support group and/or afford a trainer and nutritionist, I would recommend. You also seem like seeing a therapist to figure out the emotional reasons causing your weight gain and depression would be a great thing. It will be hard at first but you can definitely do it.

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It concerns me that you want to lose weight, so your SO won't leave you. I believe when you truly love someone then you love their soul and the person inside shines through to the outside. You don't love someone physically, looks fade. You fall in love with a heart, a soul, a mind.

That being said if he said he was concerned for your health then that's one thing. You say he's not physically attracted to you because of your weight
Sounds to me he's looking for an excuse to leave you and if that happens then he isn't worth your time.

Losing weight on your own is very simple. Exercise more and eat less. Aim to exercise 1 hour a day and this sounds difficult, but it really isn't. If you have a bike, ride it. I like to walk outside. I like to sweat out toxins and clear my head. When it comes to food, cook at home. It's the easiest way to ingest less calories. Try to stay away from prepackaged stuff. Eat fruit and veggies and buy fresh produce if you can. Try to stay away from canned food, but frozen food is usually pretty healthy. Also, do not drink your calories: water, lemon water, or unsweetened teas are great. The more water you drink, the more calories you have for food. Also try eating 6 small meals a day. It helps curve cravings and prevent insulin strikes. One thing that's very important is to treat yourself either with a healthy snack or even a "bad treat". I love peanut butter and honey with a glass of cold milk. Perfectly healthy and still sweet enough to curb my cravings. But sometimes I do indulge in a small piece of cake or a coke periodically. The key is moderation.

Remember a man does not define your self worth and you should choose to be healthy for yourself not because some man is not attracted to you. Good men love their women no matter their size. Good women are concerned for their woman's health.

~Belle Bohemienne
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