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-   -   my parents hate my curly hair?(

vancity1 03-18-2013 08:20 PM

my parents hate my curly hair?
Hi, I'm a 17 year old girl from Canada and I'm new here. I would say i have type 2B hair. For the past year, I hid my hair in a messy bun because I didn't have the knowledge or time to manage my hair and make it look decent. However, it's Spring Break, it's starting to get a bit hotter and it's my senior year, so I decided it was time for change. I did a bit of research on managing curly hair and I just put all my new techniques to work last night (Co washing, scrunching, plopping) , and I loved the way my hair turned out! It looks so healthy and the waves/curls look so defined! I'm actually in love with my hair for the first time in my life, but my parent are so against it. Everyone in my family has straight hair, and they think the reason my hair isn't straight like theirs is because "I don't comb it enough." I even let my mom comb my hair a few months ago just to prove her wrong, and it obviously turned into a huge frizzy mess. She thinks that I have to keep combing my hair every single day before it turns straight.

Anyways, today I was in my room with my new curly hair and my dad walks in and told me that we were going out soon, so I should fix my hair. When I asked him what he meant, he said that I should comb all the "tangles" out of my hair so they don't look like I have "dreadlocks." When I refused to comb my hair my mom came in with a comb and offers to comb it for me. I told her no, and I explained to her that combing curly hair makes it frizzy. She said "at least it would look better than it does right now" and nearly pinned me down on my bed and started combing my hair. I pushed her off of me and I was nearly in tears. I don't know what to do anymore. No matter how much I try to it explain to them, they never listen to me. They don't let me leave the house with my hair curly cause they think I look like a mess, but I don't want to be voted "most likely to wear a bun for the rest of her life" in my school yearbook either. Sorry this post is so long, and thank you if you read the entire thing... I need some advice. help pleaaaaaaaase?

Jessiebanana 03-18-2013 08:50 PM

Wow...their ignorance is so incredibly offensive I honestly don't know where to start or what to say that would be helpful. I'm glad you recognize it's not you and kudos to you for accepting yourself despite the conditions you grew up in.

liz022 03-18-2013 09:05 PM


Originally Posted by Jessiebanana (Post 2139811)
Wow...their ignorance is so incredibly offensive I honestly don't know where to start or what to say that would be helpful. I'm glad you recognize it's not you and kudos to you for accepting yourself despite the conditions you grew up in.

I agree. You should embrace your hair no matter what anyone thinks. I don't know how you should talk to your parents if they never listen, but you can at least let them know that you are proud of your hair and it's part of who you are. However horrible this is to you right now, they can't control the way you should look forever. God bless :)

Julesonline 03-18-2013 10:28 PM

Wow....all I can say is "wow". As a parent and a curl girl, their behavior appalls me. :angryfire: Kudos to you for standing up for yourself. Instead of trying to restrain you to comb your hair, they should embrace you and your hair. It is a part of you. I think it is ignorance on their part as no amount of combing etc will make curly/wavy/kinky hair straight. They need to be educated in a calm and collected manner about how textured hair should be treated and the differences between textured and straight hair.

I think many of us here have gone through similar issues with non-curly family members. I know I have! So I understand what you are going through. Just stay calm about it. I just wish parents would stop this kind of behavior. By focusing so much negativity about a personal trait instead of trying to find out how to best care for it, all they manage to do is create potentially long term issues regarding hair.

Good luck!

anonymous_133347 03-18-2013 11:15 PM

This post is very disturbing. Well, it sounds like you have a lot to deal with but I'm sure your hair is gorgeous and I'm happy you have the good sense to be proud of it. Hold onto that. Don't let anybody, even those that are closest to you make you ashamed of who you are and the way God, nature, and most culpably your parents made you. And take heart: you won't live at home forever. Pretty soon you'll be out of the house. In the meanwhile, however, please do come on here for moral support. I would've killed for a site such as this when I was 17. Well, I'm sure it was around but I certainly hadn't caught word of it yet.

Jas76 03-18-2013 11:17 PM

Oh dear. As a parent and as a teacher who works with kids you age all the time - I'm appalled as well. That is verbally and emotionally abusive.

Let's assume for a second they are right, and your hair looks bad. So what? It's YOUR hair, you are 17 not 7, and if you like it and want to wear it that way then you should be able to. And without ridicule - ESPECIALLY from your own family!!!

Sadly this is not the first time a teen has come on here to ask for support when their family was abusive or at least insensitive and rude.

Hang in there. And a bit of advice - if you stay calm and factual (and did I mention calm??) with your parents, no matter how unreasonable they are being, and stand your ground while staying calm, you may find you get a lot further with them. That type of mature, focused, determined, but polite response can be unnerving to them! Lol! They don't expect rational arguments delivered in rational ways from a teenage girl!

Good luck!! We support you!

PS - for YEARS my mom hated my red hair, and would make rude comments. She finally got over it (or at least doesn't speak of it anymore). Hopefully you'll have the same result, but much more quickly!

anonymous_133347 03-18-2013 11:30 PM

Oh, Jas, I love your red hair and envy my mother's. Just goes to show it's all in the eye of the beholder.

rainboe 03-18-2013 11:47 PM

Wow, I'm sorry they're being like that. Parent should encourage their kids, and wavy hair is pretty normal. You're 17, so you should really be in control of how you wear your hair. Maybe you could show them pictures of celebrities and such with your hair type, so they can see that it's normal? Also, if you think it would help, have a calm talk with them.

nkoren5 03-19-2013 04:45 AM

I feel really Sorry for you and i really can not Unterstand your parents. My mum has curly hair like me but my dad and sister don't. I never appreciated compliments but when i read your Post it makes me extremly sad. I think you should stay strong and try to be confident.. One day they will stop..

turquoisecurls 03-19-2013 09:40 AM

Don't let your parents discourage you! Maybe they are having a hard time letting you grow up and realizing they will not to able to "control" you much longer. Making and elephant out of a fly in their attempt to hold on to their "little girl".
I agree with the previous posters, stay calm and explain , if necessary over and over why you will wear your hair like you want to! Parents a can be a bit dense sometimes, I know I am :toothy10:
You will find plenty support on this site, I think there is a thread similar to yours in the curly teens where her dad did not want to give permission for a drivers license unless she straightened her hair for a family photo.
Stay strong, I believe you can convince your parents to let you be who you are!

FloridaCurly 03-19-2013 11:49 AM

I am a lurker and have never posted but I was so moved by your plea that I had to respond. I am the parent of teenagers and young adults so I am hoping that I can give you a suggestion that might be helpful.

Are there any of your parents' friends, especially if they have curly hair, that you could go to and discuss this with them? They may be able to talk to your parents and give them some insight on living with curly hair including the care and upkeep of it. I hope that might be helpful.
Good Luck!

Pookarina 03-19-2013 12:13 PM

If they get that physical about your hair, that is scary.

I have the reverse because my KIDS don't like my hair curly.
A lot of it is the control thing, especially with your parents, I t seems.
Still, it is your head and your hair.

They will get used to it.
I just hope you can hang it there long enough.

bosanbo 03-19-2013 01:36 PM

I totally agree with FloridaCurly - enlisting an adult friend who supports you, regardless of their own hair type, will help. Some adults have a real problem listening to those they perceive to be children.

Another good tactic for resolving stuff like this is to talk about it when it ISN'T an issue; the logic here is that if your parents are already upset about your hair, that's not the most productive time to then talk about your hair.

Try approaching just one or the other (I'd go with mom, but it depends on your relationship with them) when there's been absolutely no hair talk that day (or no fights, etc.) and ask if you can sit down for a talk.

I would also try starting with non-hair-related stuff that's very positive about yourself ("I..." statements!), like "I want to talk about my self-confidence. It's important to me that I feel good about myself, and I have been feeling really good about how I look lately..." Then introduce the idea that the reason you feel GOOD about yourself is that you're accepting your hair the way it is. Let the parent know that you love them, and you need their support to help you feel good about yourself, too. ("I love you and I respect your opinion because you're my mom, so it is important to me to have you support my choice to wear my hair naturally, even if it doesn't look like yours." or something similar). Let them know you aren't fighting them just because you think they're wrong, but because you are trying to gain their respect for your position.

I'd avoid stuff like "I'm almost 18 so... etc." or other things that play into the age factor. Just try to make it about love and support. Maybe suggest to your mom that the two of you go to a hair salon together and get a cut that makes your curly hair easier to deal with. If you can find a good salon where you live, the stylist could maybe help your mom (or dad, just stereotyping here) understand your hair a bit better. Hearing the stylist say "Wow, what great curls!" could mean a lot! This forum has a good section for finding a stylist.

Good luck, and way to go!

justdoingme 03-19-2013 04:23 PM

im not sure how to advise you on the situation with your parents, (but i understand the frustration when you cant get someone to believe brushing curls is so wrong, although my family like my hair, for a while my nan did not understand that brushing curly hair turns it into a mess) i just thought i should say id absolutely love 2b curls. you could say something like the first time ive felt happy with my hair and you try and take it away from me, something along the lines of as parents youre supposed to be teaching me to accept myself, but instead youre trying to get me to believe my hair is a tangled mess and turn it into something its not...i know its hard to try and tell things to parents who dont seem to listen though

Houseofcurls 03-19-2013 04:40 PM

I can sympathize with you. My parents were similar. When I was a little younger than you my hair was 2b/c and someone taught me to put mousse in it. Looking back on it, it looked horrible! lol, but my mom used to say it looked horrible, and wet and I "didn't have curly hair, stop trying to make it look like that!" Now my hair is a good 2c/3a and my parents love it. But I needed to learn about it and how to care for it.

It was horrible. They never tried to comb it out for me, though. I hope that was in a joking manor, because if not, that is really disconcerting.

Yoshimi 03-19-2013 06:41 PM

Well at 29 I can tell you that I have combed, blow dried and straightened my hair every day for as long as you have been alive. I have had Brazilian blow outs and used every straightening product known to man. My hair is still definitely curly.

I'm curious to know what your patents think of straight hair that has been curled, which is so very much in fashion? Do they take similar stances about other aspects of your appearance too? I just wonder if there is something else going on in their minds that would elicit such a strong reaction?

Sent from my HTC_Amaze_4G using CurlTalk App

Myrna 03-19-2013 07:50 PM

Vancity, this is Myrna. I can tell you first that I am a licensed clinical social worker and a licensed professional counselor, and I am older than both your parents. So, you are getting feed back here from a professional with over 30 years of experience, and you can take this to your parents and tell them what I am about to say, if you wish.

This is about your right as a young woman to maintain your personal integrity. I could see your parents being upset if your skirts were too short, or your clothing was too revealing. However: you were born with curly hair. What you need to tell them is that they are pressuring you inappropriately. So: if you cave to inappropriate pressure, what is going to happen down the road? will their expectations set you up to cave to sex, drugs and rock and roll? I am serious here. We women, of all ages, need to know when to put our feet down and say NO. "NO, mom and dad, this is my hair, the hair that G-d gave me, and if you dont like it well I guess that is OK. But I am not going to compromise my personal integrity just because you dont like it. "

Jas76 03-19-2013 10:26 PM

Great info and stories from everyone! Great advice from Myrna!

Hope you are doing ok, OP! Maybe this information will help you to get through to your parents!

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