Did anyone grow up in an emotionally abusive home? How do you deal as an adult

...if your abusers are still living? Have you confronted them and asked them to mend their ways? Do you avoid or limit contact? Or have you accepted they may never change? Another approach maybe?

I'm starting to accept my mother will never change. It's too tiring being resentful. In some ways I think she did the best she could with the tools she had.

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My mom grew up in a home with 7 other siblings where their dad would alway hit, beat, or curse out their mom and even them if they intervened. Now that they're adults, its like they swept their childhood memories under a rug. I didn't know anything about my moms childhood until I was 13 when my mom had to rush to my grandparent's house because my grandpa had fought my grandma. I can't even understand why she hasn't left him even after her kids have begged her countless times. Her excuse has something to do with religion and turning the other cheek or something that's taken waayyyyyyyyyy out of context from the Bible.

Every single one of my aunts/uncles/mom have some sort of issue due to the trauma they received as children. Eventually, some of them confronted their mom and dad about what occurred in the past. It made them feel a little better that they got it off their chests but, it didn't fix their relationships or personal issues brought on by the trauma. I think my aunts/uncles/mom would benefit from therapy but they're from a time when seeing a therapists meant you were crazy or not strong enough to handle your own life.

I think it's ok to vent to the person who has done something wrong to you if you go into it knowing it may not change that person or anything at all. Even years after the venting session my grandpa is older, practically blind, and still a mean ass though. He can barely walk, but he sure as hell can yell. He's set in his ways and will never change. They had to accept that and move forward.

My mom and some of her sisters just don't visit anymore because that house has negative energy and memories. I haven't visited either since he cursed me out last Christmas over something silly. I can't sit there and pretend everything is fine.

Last edited by ThickHairedQT; 08-16-2011 at 07:55 AM.
My dad was physically abusive toward me but my mom is highly emotional abusive. I know she knows she made the right choice for leaving him but i think she blames me for never finding anyone else. Granted i had my own struggles and she was there and supportive when i was in high school.But for every supportive moment everything i've ever done that was bad in her eyes or any moment when i was extremely hurting she would and still does throw back in my face. I had PTSD and the cause for it was sexual assualt and her first reaction when i told her was i deserved it because i should have been home and not outside anyway.

My mom and I now are at odds. I recently had to move out in March due to the fact my blood pressure was too high from the stress and i actually went back into a depression because of all the fighting and trying to help her with her health and my grandma plus school was literally draining me at 22. I hadn;t eaten more than one meal a day for 3 months because i only ate to keep my sugar up. Now that i've moved shes gotten more abrasive and mean towards my boyfriend whom i now live with. And i try to help her get through her doctors appointments (she has recently developed some kidney problems and i can't just completely cut her out )But other than that i try to keep my distance and convos short. I call when at least once or twice a week to check in and i go with her to her drs appts. But i limit everything i tell her because it can be thrown back in my face immediately.

i think for me i am still learning to keep most of my wall up and that my mother really isn't going to change. And when i think of future events compared to past events i plan my ways with dealing with her accordingly.

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My father was bipolar. I know he always claimed he did the best he could, but I still wonder.

I never fully forgave him for some of his actions and decisions, although I loved, and even liked him. Now that's he's dead, I accept that the best I can do is let old wounds scab over.

Of course, that's often easier said than done, and I'm more successful in some areas than others.

I hope things work out for you, P.
I totally understand what you mean regarding your mom. Due to my mom's childhood (I'm assuming), my teenage years were pretty bad. I never felt that I was good enough for her. To her, I resembled my dad the most out of all of my siblings. She has hatred for him after they divorced and I would be mad too that he cheated but, damn its not my fault.

She showed favoritism constantly towards my younger siblings (they looked like her -__-). Eventually, after a fight when I was 16 ended with me having a swollen and bruised left wrist that I couldn't move for a week, I packed a bag and left. I stayed at friend's houses then my boyfriend's house until I decided to move in with my dad. My mom didn't look for me and she got rid of my third of my room (I shared with 2of my sisters) bed and all. She packed my clothes in trashbags for my dad to get. That feeling hurt, it was like she didn't care and she didn't miss me. Still I tried to get her to accept me. I would give her $$ for bills even though I didn't live there and was still in high school. In college, she was laid off so I constantly bought her household groceries even though I didn't have a lot of money. I would even fix things when they broke (I am a handywoman)

That stopped when I realized she was taking advantage of me. I got my financial aid check for school and she asked for a big chunk of it for her mortgage (jawdrop) umm its for school, tuition, books, food,rent, supplies. I needed it since no one else is gonna pay for college and me having a part-time job wasn't going to be suffice. Of course she argued she needed it more. *sigh I wouldn't mind helping my mom but she felt it was "my job and duty" to provide for her.

I learned you can't please everyone so I keep phone convos short and sweet and she knows how I feel/felt. She's gotten better because she doesn't want to end up with all her children disliking her and alone like her father.
Neither of my parents were all that nurturing and were the main reason why I had so many emotional issues growing up. Looking back, I'm convinced my mother was depressed growing up. It didn't impair her to the point where she couldn't provide basic material needs, but she often checked out emotionally. And hardly anything I did was ever good enough for my father. If I got B's, he'd wonder why I didn't get A's. There was one instance that still gets me to this day. I worked at a concession stand at a movie theater for all of one week when I was fired. They said that I was poor at handling money since they had cash missing. When my father found out, he said it was my fault for taking a job I couldn't handle. It was my first job ever. How was I to have known I couldn't have handled it if I hadn't taken it? In recent years, my mother has become manipulative and has the mentality that just because she gave me life, I now owe her and it's now my duty to provide for her, which I've stated on here before. I've distanced myself from both parents nowfor my mental health, which is how I've handled it. Intellectually, I can tell myself that they did the best job they could with what they had, but I've haven't accepted that emotionally.
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Phoenix, I don't have to meet your mom to tell you that the chances of her changing are pretty much nil. It's awful, but that's just how these things are. If she could change, than she already would have.

I've spoken about this here before. My mom has borderline personality disorder. She seems to have no insight into her condition, and it's clear that she'll never seek or accept help for it. So she's never going to change.

I limit my contact with her to what I feel comfortable with. I make sure that I enforce my boundaries, and if she starts getting mean/hysterical/weird I hang up or leave.

I wish you luck in finding some peace with your situation. As always, I recommend talking to a psychologist.
I left it alone and keep all my family at arms reach they never have anything nice to say but I call n talk but not for long. you cant ask any1 to change they will only get upset let them be it might take years for them to realize they need to change and some may never change I just pray for them
I have 3sis & 2 bro and to be the oldest and mom is the only parent with five dead beat dads and a bad choice in men i mean really bad choice you have a lot of pressure on you so I got the worst of everything my mom treated me like a bad husband or a step child, she always moved her guy friends in an didn't care what we thought but I couldn't do anything but leave so at the age of 14 I moved in with my BFF she was upset and tried to call the cops after being gone for half a year and I have been bouncing from place to place since I turned 18 and I'm 19 and have been in the same place kind of stress free an not being called every name in the book over a dirty dish I'm happy and that's my story summed up
I'd have to say my mom was emotionally abusive. When I was younger I wrote a note that I was going to runaway, she found it before I had a chance to get ready and she blamed me for a long time after that (Someohow I was doing it to her). Anyways, now that I'm an adult that has pretty much stopped for the most part. When I first moved out she tried that same stuff and I just stopped calling so she either had to stop or not talk to me.

I've accepted that she will never change, she will never admit to how she treated me and she will always try to twist my childhood to being my fault. So, I try to avoid the subject of my childhood.

I created the "how often do you talk to your parents" thread for this very reason, my mom wants a closer relationship and she seems to want me to tell her "everything" but from my perspective that is never going to happen.
I prefer to block it out! Too much to tell and it would take days if I did!
I'm not sure if emotionally abusive is the right term, but it's possible. My mom used to yell at me for the littlest things. One of my earliest memories is her screaming at the top of her lungs at me from down in the kitchen and I was upstairs on the landing. I don't remember what it was about, but I'm not sure what a 3y/o could do to warrant that. When I got a little older, I was a really sensitive kid; I'd cry and get really silent if I was upset or frustrated. She'd say things like, "Why are you crying? It's not like anyone's DEAD or anything," which would send me into hysterics and she'd ignore me. She isn't quite as harsh anymore, or at least, I'm not as easily affected anymore, but she doesn't seem to have a filter on things she says. I try to limit my conversations with her to very non-emotional topics.

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