How to advise daughter?

Like Tree3Likes
  • 1 Post By TRBL
  • 2 Post By TRBL

I know there aren't too many moms on here anymore but still a few and also nonmoms w/ good heads on their shoulders so...


My 12 y/o daughter is in middle school (6th grade) and runs with this little group of bffs. It's basically like 4 girls (incl. daughter) and one boy. She has other friends but she spends most of her time w/ this crew. They are frequently on school projects together, go to the library together and have little social events together, like movies (w/ a parent present) or parties, etc.


My ex-husband hates the idea that she is friends w/ a boy but it didn't bother me, especially after I met him. He's skinny and short and super nerdy w/ glasses and a front tooth that never grew in. I thought he was OK bc his mother always makes him wait w/ my daughter at the library if she gets there to pick him up before I get there to pick her up. Seemed like good manners, etc.


So today I get a call from the school asst principal. Asst principal had to inform me that my daughter had an incident at school. He can't reveal the identity of the kid but "a boy" made an inappropriate comment to my daughter and my daughter reported it to the teacher; I should feel assured it will be dealt with seriously and I can follow up.



When daughter got home today, I asked her what happened? She made me promise not to tell her father. And I joked, "why, is it [male bff who father doesn't approve of]?"


And my daughter said...YES


Out of nowhere, the male bff asked my daughter if she wanted to lose her virginity.


My daughter was horrified and told the teacher. Then the teacher reported it to the asst principal. Daughter said she told bc it was the second time he said something "inappropriate" to her.


When she told him she was going to tell, he laughed and dared her to tell. And she did.


IDK what his punishment will be.


I'm really torn about this.


On the one hand, I obviously oppose sexual harassment, etc. No brainer.


But honestly, if my daughter wants male friends, she's going to have to get used to some amount of coarse talk, especially since she and her gfs use it w/ each other. And if they are truly friends, why would she have snitched on him? He could get suspended. Or what if his parents beat him up or something? What if he's taken off the volleyball team? What if he tries to retaliate?


My daughter wasn't afraid; she's bigger than he is (and mean as a snake!). And the incident happened in a public place.


So my daughter is talking like, "I don't know if we will ever be as close as we used to be...."


And I'm thinking, "that boy is never going to speak to you again! Be prepared to lose many friends."


I just told her I'm glad she doesn't take any BS off anyone and that I'm gad she's OK. But I wonder if she handled this wrong? If she could have handled it better? What should she do next time?


Last edited by spiderlashes5000; 02-22-2017 at 04:46 PM.
I think your daughter absolutely did the right thing.

It happened twice (did it happened once and she told him to knock it off and he did it again?)

As for the consequences.. He should have some!

BTW, why did you say "Or what if his parents beat him up or something?" Is that something you really forsee, cause that is a whole other issue.

I have more thoughts but I'm muddled in my thinking so I'll try to come back to this later.
spiderlashes5000 likes this.
When I grow up, I wanna be a Jiujitsu Turtle!

My british name, courtesy of Ninja Dog Shade Haven-Staffordshire: TRBL Hough Jewelstone Turtleneck

Its chaos a few hairs at a time. ~Minxy

"Dispute not with her: she is lunatic." -Richard III
I think your daughter absolutely did the right thing.
Originally Posted by TRBL
Really? whew!

It happened twice (did it happened once and she told him to knock it off and he did it again?)
Originally Posted by TRBL

He made some other somewhat-sexual remark to her on a previous day. And she told him to stop, at the time. And then today he asked her about losing her virginity.

As for the consequences.. He should have some!
Originally Posted by TRBL

But what if he's just making chit chat w/ her, like two girls would talk? What if it wasn't meant to be vulgar? What if he just wanted to know her thoughts about this? Or what if he thought it would be OK to joke around w/ her?

BTW, why did you say "Or what if his parents beat him up or something?" Is that something you really forsee, cause that is a whole other issue.
Originally Posted by TRBL

No, I have no reason to suspect this. I'm just thinking ~I~ would be livid if ~I~ had gotten a call from school saying that ~my~ son had been sexually harassing a girl classmate...and ~I~ would want to kill him! Some parents just take stuff too far.

I have more thoughts but I'm muddled in my thinking so I'll try to come back to this later.
Originally Posted by TRBL

Thanks!


I have had quite a few experiences like this, and I always stuck it to those boys. From 2nd grade to college. And looking back, I'm wondering if I really needed to take things to such an extreme. Maybe I could have lightened up. I've always been a straight up B**** about being treated and spoken to respectfully and I see my daughter is one also. LOL


Gosh my post was long!


Last edited by spiderlashes5000; 02-22-2017 at 05:13 PM.
"But what if he's just making chit chat w/ her, like two girls would talk. What if it wasn't meant to be vulgar? What if he just wanted to know her thoughts about this? Or what if he thought it would be OK to joke around w/ her?"

He did it once, she told him to stop, and he did it again. So it's not "just chit chat." And he dared her to tell!

It's not her responsibility to "put up with" this behavior. It's his responsibility to behave appropriately! Young boys grow up to be men, it's not okay at 12 and it's not okay at 22 and it's not okay at 62.

(I'm not against mixed gender friends or discussions about sex, but it has to be mutually consented to)
spiderlashes5000 and Therese1 like this.
When I grow up, I wanna be a Jiujitsu Turtle!

My british name, courtesy of Ninja Dog Shade Haven-Staffordshire: TRBL Hough Jewelstone Turtleneck

Its chaos a few hairs at a time. ~Minxy

"Dispute not with her: she is lunatic." -Richard III
Was it harassment or chit chat? Was he offering or just asking?

Sometimes people don't get it when they go too far. And a young boy with predominantly girl friends may not get it.

Here's an example. My mom sometimes tells sex jokes. I tell her not to. She still does and I just talk over her and say NO NO. It's not okay but she's grown and she's treading all over boundaries.

Obviously there should be some sort of logical consequence such as writing an apology letter or having a restorative circle with your daughter. He's learning too.

Now, I think your daughter handled herself beautifully and you are a good strong mom.

I don't know if any if this is helpful. Also remember I don't have kids but I deal with student discipline as my job so my perspective is different



~ sent with love and good intentions ~
Modified CG since Dec 2011

Last edited by PerriP; 02-23-2017 at 06:08 AM.
I was all over the map reding this, Perri summed up well what I think I'm thinking though.

While I would be so proud of her for standing up and telling when she was obviously uncomfortable, part of me is like meh....they are what, 11 and 12 and starting to think about this stuff. Especially if he hears the girls speaking like that, the line gets a little blurry. It's not like it was some random that said, this sounds like a pretty close friend.

Gonna think on it and be back! Can't imagine what's going on on your head, SL!


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
I believe in manicures. I believe in overdressing. I believe in primping at leisure and wearing lipstick. I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles.
Audrey Hepburn
I think your daughter did just the right thing. If she learns to tolerate this talk now, she may set herself up for bad things later on, staying in situations that are not healthy or are even dangerous.

As far as this kid possibly just making chit-chat, I think that your daughter probably has an innate sense of when her friend is just being curious and when he is being intrusive. And if he was just making chit-chat, he wouldn't have dared her to tell. Instead, he would have apologized and said he was sorry for being inadvertently offensive.

And as Perri pointed out, boundaries are boundaries. Your daughter set up some clear boundaries, and they need to be respected. Sexual boundaries are so important to feeling safe! Her friend needs to learn what is respectable conversation around females.
Low poo: Intelligent Nutrients (IN) Harmonizing; Oribe Cleansing Creme
RO: IN Harmonizing
LI: As I Am; CJ Beauticurls
Stylers: IN Straight Hair Serum; IN Volumizing Foam; IN Volumizing Spray; IN Styling Gel; IN Perfect Hold Hairspray

Normal- to low-porosity 2a/b baby-fine hair with a coarse section at back of head
I think your daughter did just the right thing. If she learns to tolerate this talk now, she may set herself up for bad things later on, staying in situations that are not healthy or are even dangerous.

As far as this kid possibly just making chit-chat, I think that your daughter probably has an innate sense of when her friend is just being curious and when he is being intrusive. And if he was just making chit-chat, he wouldn't have dared her to tell. Instead, he would have apologized and said he was sorry for being inadvertently offensive.

And as Perri pointed out, boundaries are boundaries. Your daughter set up some clear boundaries, and they need to be respected. Sexual boundaries are so important to feeling safe! Her friend needs to learn what is respectable conversation around females.
Low poo: Intelligent Nutrients (IN) Harmonizing; Oribe Cleansing Creme
RO: IN Harmonizing
LI: As I Am; CJ Beauticurls
Stylers: IN Straight Hair Serum; IN Volumizing Foam; IN Volumizing Spray; IN Styling Gel; IN Perfect Hold Hairspray

Normal- to low-porosity 2a/b baby-fine hair with a coarse section at back of head
I think Therese is on the ball with this one and I think you daughter did the right thing in telling an adult about it. I don't have daughters, but I think if one of my boys, at 12, had said something like that I would have wanted to know about it so we could have spoken to him about what's appropriate and what's not.
3b in South Australia.
Your daughter did a very brave thing. She set her boundaries,stood up to a friend, and got help when she needed it. That's what we HOPE kids will do. Her "friend" learned you can't keep pestering girls because "boys are just like that." I mean, eff that noise. Your daughter gets to set her own boundaries, please trust her judgment.

Trending Topics


Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On



All times are GMT -6. The time now is 12:04 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2017, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Copyright 2011 NaturallyCurly.com