Has my mum made me hate my hair, making me hate myself?

I'm 15 years old and for all my life I've had cornrows. My hair is just above waist now, because I have dedicated a lot of my teenage life researching about natural hair and my aunty is a natural hair guru.My mum always said to when I was younger I had to have my hair in cornrows becuase it's too short to do anything. She said it was it was dry and she constantly greased my hair. I thought it was alright. But as I grew up I learnt to take care of my hair.My mum, however, still does my hair for school, she complains saying how she did her hair from she was 6. I don't want her to do my hair. I asked her if my aunty could straighten it for school and she threw a fit. She was like 'you're not white, your hair can't stay straight', 'your skin doesn't suit straight hair' blah blah blah. All the black girls in my school have straight/relaxed hair and weaves/extensions. However, none of them have hair as long as mine. I have been thinking to myself (she has cussed me about straight hair for months), I only want to have children with a white man, and my mum hates white men. I have a Romanian/German/Russian boyfriend at the moment and if my mum finds out she'll kill me. We're hoping to live with each other after we finish university.Anyway, my point is, I would have never thought this if my mum if my mum wasn't so negative. Right?

1 Answer

Thought this about your hair or about your "preferences."  It sounds like a more direct result of your mother's scolding/cursing out/ fits would have been a dislike of straight hair, maybe a low self-esteem, and a preference for darker skin people as it seem your mom is trying very hard to tell you that "you aren't white, so try to be." .... which, isn't really the message you should be sending. Instead, the result seems to be a sort of rebellion against your mother's wishes? You say that you've been learning about your natural hair and how to care for it, but you'd prefer to straighten it. You'd have to look at the reasons for this: is it to fit more in with the other black girls and white people and your school? or is it just because it seems easier to maintain? Do you dislike you curls? If so, why? Answering the first and the third questions might have roots in your mother's behavior concerning your hair and you. The only having children with white men part may also be a result of "rebelling" against your mother. Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with liking or dating white men and there's nothing wrong with having certain preferences... but when you blatantly refuse other races or ethnicities (other than maybe for cultural reasons, which I wouldn't say this is), it does have certain racist or self-disriminatrory implications considering that the only way to state that all of a race is/ is not worth dating is to decide that everyone of that race has some physical or personal trait that 's inherently the same and that just isn't true.... So....... I don't exactly know if you never would've thought this way if it weren't for your mother. Your mother's actions may have influenced you as to what not to listen to - whether subconsciously or knowingly. Your environment may have also had something to do with it. What I would suggest, if you really want to get to the bottom of this, is you checking in with  a guidance counselor or psychologist - No, they aren't just for "crazy" people - and going over your issues, your history with your mother, your ideology more in dept....since these issues may be a little bit more significant than wanting to straighten your hair.