How to Style Thick, Frizzy Hair

Let's see if I've got this right. First, wet hair and pre-poo with a homemade concoction of coconut oil, olive oil, honey, black tea, avocado, banana, eggs, and rosemary-infused tangerine sections. Refrigerate the leftovers for lunch. Leave in for 30 minutes. Shampoo and condition with sulfate-free, silicone-free, paraben-free, bargain-free products, conveniently located in the "Ethnic Hair / Cultural Appropriation" section of Target. If you're not sure which products are best for you, go online and read the wildly contradictory reviews on Amazon, or use the Eeny Meeny Miney Moe method (see Appendix A). Another good source of information is the Naturally Curly website, where you can find a neverending stream of posts by Keri Russell look-alikes who are terribly upset because their hair only looks ten times better than yours and they feel ugly and can someone please, please help! Apply a deep conditioner containing just enough hydrolized protein to strengthen the hair, but not too much protein or your hair will stiffen and break off like icicles. Leave in for 30 minutes. Rinse with cold water and detangle with a wide-toothed comb. Pat hair dry with a T-shirt. Apply a leave-in conditioner, then a sealing oil, then a curl-enhancing creme. To avoid the dreaded Pyramid Hair, insert clips on top using the method demonstrated by Bonita Angelinabelle, the exquisitely beautiful, flawlessly manicured law student/vlogger whose hair naturally forms perfect, consistent, gleaming, waist-length ringlets about which she is humorously self-deprecating because she's just one of the girls. Alternatively, try "plopping" (see Appendix B). Take care not to over-manipulate your hair, or it will frizz and you'll have to start all over again. Allow hair to air-dry for 72 hours, because that's how long it will take to dry with all those products in it. Do not touch your hair until it is completely dry, or it will frizz and you'll have to start all over again. You will know your hair is dry when its texture resembles a pile of linguini that has been left in the pot overnight without a lid. Now scrunch out the crunchiness with a little more oil. Take care not to scrunch too much, or your hair will frizz and you'll have to start all over again. Enjoy your frizz-free tresses for the next 2-3 hours, spritzing periodically with a styling product that either (a) contains no damaging ingredients or (b) actually works. When frizz returns, leave work early, go home, and start all over again from the beginning. Congratulations on embracing the natural texture of your hair!

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