I have hated my curls for my entire life. How do I love my curls? How can I get my desired look?

This is extremely important to me. If anyone has the slightest bit of advice, please share. I really need help.I probably should have made an account asked this question to the NaturallyCurly community a while ago. A long while ago. But I can't do this any longer. So I ask for your help now. I am almost 20 years old and I have never loved my hair. I have tried everything for years. SO many different products and methods. SO many hours of shifting through curly articles. SO many hours of watching YouTube tutorials and information videos. SO many hours of just looking at pictures on Google images and wondering why I can't have beautiful curls. And nothing works. I have attached some photos of my disgusting hair for reference. I think it's 3B, but I can never really tell. I almost never shampoo it. I've currently been using Shea Moisture Curl and Shine conditioner. I use a hairbrush in the shower to brush it through. I put it up in a tshirt for a while, then take it out, brush out the knots, and apply some sort of oil. I will put it up in a bun until I'm done getting ready/ready to leave the house. If I don't, it turns into a giant, fuzzy, triangular afro. I am constantly switching brands to find the one that works for me, and none of them have.Don't get me started on the way I part my hair. It's hideous and it needs to be fixed. But I can never find the correct way of parting my hair. I almost always wear my hair in a bun because I am ashamed of how I look. That, or I am sick of people only knowing me as "the girl with the big hair." I just want to be me. Not my big, fluffy hair. In the video I have attached is my DREAM HAIR. I have tried endless times to follow her styling instructions and my hair never turns out the same. I hate my hair. It makes me feel disgusting and ugly. It is taking a toll on my mental health; I can never stop thinking about it or being paranoid about what it looks like. It's all I ever think about. I'm tired of hating the way I look. Someone please help! xo, Kyra

3 Answers

Sorry in advance for how long this comment is going to be (and for editing repeatedly). I hardly know where to begin! "Disgusting"? Your hair is my goal hair! Seriously, I have almost the exact same hair as you (more 3A-ish with some 3B) but I'm growing it out from a short, layered cut. Right now it's at that awkward length where I can't yet put it in a ponytail, and there are ends sticking out every which way...there's not much I can do but laugh about it, and be patient. I look forward to having hair like yours that I can put in a bun, or a French braid, or a proper twist-out, or flexi-rod set, or a half-up/half-down do, or just wear down. I say this with total sympathy, because I've been there myself, hating my hair. It's not your fault, it's a cultural thing. You've been brainwashed by society to think that there's something wrong with big hair (and yes, racism/antisemitism is absolutely a factor here, even if you're white and non-Jewish) and that's why you can't see how beautiful your hair is. Replace "disgusting" with: long, curly, soft, luxuriant, romantic, pre-Raphaelite, and best of all, versatile! There are countless styles you can try. Do a Google image search for ancient Greek depictions of Aphrodite, the goddess of love. She has hair like yours. Helen of Troy, the famous beauty. Hair like yours. You don't have hair like Cinderella, but you do have hair like Cleopatra, a celebrated beauty of Greek and Egyptian descent. Who is cooler, the helpless princess, or the queen who ruled all of Egypt at 17?You don't have stereotypically Northern European hair. I don't know what your ethnicity is (and I'm not asking) but you're judging yourself by narrow-minded standards and you really should stop, if not for your own sake, for the sake of other girls who don't conform to that ideal. I bet if you saw another girl walking down the street with the same hair as you, you wouldn't judge her so harshly. You'd probably think her hair looks better than yours, because when you look in the mirror, all you can see are the flaws, the little inconsistencies and wisps of frizz that you don't even notice on other people. On her, you see the overall effect, and say wow, she has nice hair.As for styling, I've been struggling with this too, after keeping my hair short and blow-dried for so long (which I didn't really like, but I was too busy/lazy to look into other options). Surprisingly, I find that Teri LaFlesh's smoothing technique on TightlyCurly.com works better for me than anything else I've tried, even though I don't have tight curls. It's time consuming, but it works (if I use leave-in AND gel). Here's a video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l5vlcFgt0h0 - and check out her site. Make sure you're not detangling roughly and breaking your hair with the brush.Not that you need to have defined, snaky curls all the time! That's a myth. There is NOTHING WRONG with voluminous, fluffy hair. But I know, sometimes you just want what you want, whether it's rational or not. I do understand. I used to have a recurring dream that I had long, straight hair, and was brushing it in front of the mirror. I wanted that so badly, it was like an ache. In a society in which girls are judged constantly and ruthlessly on the basis of looks, of course girls want to be pretty. But times are changing, and big hair is back! Lately every time I turn on the TV, I see women with hair like yours, smiling and proudly flaunting it! It is totally IN! I'm sure others will have good recommendations for products to smooth frizz, and flattering hairstyles, how to use clips for more volume at the roots, Deva cut, Ouidad cut (sounds like you might like a Ouidad cut, since it's designed to reduce volume - although personally I love volume), and all that, and that's great. But I think you first need to accept your hair exactly the way it is. A while back, for therapeutic reasons, I started a Pinterest board of people whose hair reminds me of my own. I learned that I am in some VERY good company! Some beautiful people, some geniuses, some ordinary people, and some silly ones just to remind myself to lighten up: https://www.pinterest.com/rosalyre/hair-like-mine/I could go on and on. I hope you learn to love your gorgeous hair soon, while you're still young. Wear it like a crown!
I can absolutely relate to everything you said in your post. I wear my hair in a bun everyday because I hate it. It looks ok when it's wet but after it dries its so annoying. My hair is super super thick. Anytime I've ever gone to a stylist and give them an option to make it straight or keep it curly, they always straighten it. It hurts my feelings. I know it shouldn't but it does. I know I'm probably more paranoid than I should be about my hair. Other people seem to like it. We need to do like the lady that answered you first said and embrace r curls. Its easier said than done, I know.  ❤
When I read the ariticle that was titled "How to stop hating your Hair" I saw your picture at the top, and I thought to myself: Ok, that girl in the picture has very pretty hair though. So I clicked on your name and realized that WAS you. I was so surprised! You have beautiful hair! My answer to you is DON'T HATE YOUR HAIR, it is simply gorgeous. Look, I understand that sometimes our hair can be annoying and too much to handle because it's curly and it likes to be expressive more than anything, but love yourself because just like how I was amazed by your gorgeous hair, many others are too upon seeing you and your beauty. I clicked on the article because it's normal to have low self esteem sometimes and to be self concious about how you look, so I was interested in reading about it because I can relate and so can many others. You are beautiful though, with your beautiful hair too. I really mean it. <3