online dating

Are these guys telling the truth?

Having dated online since I moved to NYC in 2000, it goes without saying that I have more experience perusing men’s online dating profiles than any single gal should. I want to share with you what I've found to be the top ten dating profile “red flags” that could save you the ridiculous amount of time that I have now forever lost by corresponding with and/or going out with some total losers.

Disclaimer: To any of the men whose profiles inspired and unknowingly lent to the quotes that comprise my post, let’s all hope for your sake that knowing is truly half the battle.

1. Hat Trick

If a guy’s profile only features photos of him sporting a baseball cap, don’t just assume that it’s his favorite hat or that all of the photos must have been taken from the same outing. In "physical description" he may have even filled in the question of “hair color” with “ask me later.” Don’t get me wrong—a lot of bald guys are hot. My dating service even offers a “Bald And The Beautiful” Speed Dating event that always sells out for women. What’s NOT hot is a self-loathing, insecure guy that’s hiding under his hat.

2. “Model” Citizen

Avoid a guy who talks about how he does some “acting and modeling on the side,” is a “former model/personal trainer,” or any variation of having once had a “lucrative career as a model.” They either feel that all they have going for them is their looks, are living in the past, or they’re not looking so great these days and are hoping by mentioning that they used to model, you will find them hotter.

3. CAPITAL Offense

Any guy who writes his entire profile in ALL CAPS should be avoided at all costs. i.e. “I'M JUST YOUR EVERY DAY PEOPLE AND WOULD LIKE TO MEET SOMEONE SEXY, AND DOWN TO EARTH.” Uh, capital “NO.” It's as if they're overcompensating with a large font for their small intellectual capacity.

4. “Killer” Profile

If a guy’s profile pic even remotely resembles Jeffrey Dahmer, to the point where you’re seriously questioning if it is actually him or perhaps a first cousin, you might want to go ahead and click "next." You know what I'm talking about--the thin guy with the glasses, scraggly hair and a total menacing, pedophile-esque look on his blank, expressionless face. Granted, some people aren’t photogenic and look better in person, but honestly, are you willing to risk your life on it?

5. Lost In Translation.

“Maybe should me first by said that English is no my speaking.” If you think that was hard to decipher, imagine how much time he put “into” perfecting it via his use of the [insert any foreign language] to English online dictionary. I’m sorry, ladies, I don’t know about you, but I for one don’t have the patience to date a guy who requires subtitles. I’ve done it once, and you just end up smiling and nodding a lot.

6. Actions Speak Louder Than Words

I get really turned off by the guys who describe themselves as “very attractive,” “charming,” “kind,” “honest,” “generous,” “romantic,” “blah, blah, adjective, blah.” First of all, “attractiveness” is in the eye of the beholder, so post your pic and let us be the judge. And as for the rest of it, I feel it should come across in what you say and be more of a “show-not-tell.”

7. Humor Me

Along those same lines are the guys who find the need to describe their humor ala “I have a dry wit, sure to make you laugh,” or “I think that my most marked trait is a somewhat self-deprecating sense of humor.” They may even go as far as to say, “I’m the funniest guy you’ll ever meet. LOL.” Be warned ladies, these are likely the least funny guys ever. Date the self-proclaimed “funny guy” and you’ll be courtesy laughing for life.

8. Don’t “Hang” Yourself

“I'm looking for someone to hang out with and get to know.” Translation: I’m not looking for a relationship or to take you out on dates. I just want to come “kick it“ at your crib late night, so I can get familiarized with your liquor cabinet and favorite positions. Don’t worry, I’ll bring the 420. Let’s just say these relationships tend to be as short-lived and easily delete-able as the text messages they’re usually founded on.

9. Come Correct

If someone mentions that they are “opened to the possibilities,” “have interests which might seem like contractions,” are “emmotionally available” and/or, get this, find “grammatical errors an spelling mitakes a turn off,” you may even want to go as far as to “flag” the profile as inappropriate.

10. “Fit” To Be Tied

Avoid any and all guys who say, “working out and staying in shape are very high on my list of priorities.” They probably then delve into stats on how frequently they go to the gym. They of course like to do a “variety of things including hiking, skiing, triathlons, running, biking, etc.” They keep themselves “in tip-top shape and believe the body is a gift and should be maintained.” What they clearly haven’t realized is that being SO “fit” and “big” actually makes “it” appear even smaller than what they’re already trying to over-compensate for.